Conference

CONFERENCE WEEKEND

We decided to go to the cabin for conference. We were able to arrive on Thursday night, so we had a whole day to explore the Fall colors. It was absolutely breathtaking:

Conference was amazing. I loved being spiritually fed. I loved being engulfed in God's nature at the cabin while listening to Conference. My heart was uplifted and I was fortified. My hurts were given a balm of healing. My determination to BECOME was renewed. 

There were many moments in Conference that moved me to tears. Most of those moments were through the messages taught. However two other moments caused me to reflect. First, our prophet had an opposing vote for the second time. I was at the last conference, and I remember being completely blown away at the vote of opposition. My daughters couldn't fathom someone not sustaining our prophet, and it was difficult to keep them quiet through the remainder of the session. (In the conference center, it is absolutely quiet, so conversing about something is out of the question.) This time, I silently prayed that there would be no opposition to our prophet; however, I was disappointed in my hopes. My mind had reflected on the meaning of this opposition, and I can't help but think about the times in which we live. It is so easy to become blinded to the world around us.

It sometimes amazes me how easy it is to allow Satan to obstruct our view. Just last night, my children asked me about a former teacher who has recently left the church. Their concern for their former teacher, touched my heart, and in the process we talked about what it means to keep the faith. Perhaps, my formula is too simple for staying the course, but I don't think so. I honestly think that it is the little things that count. It is daily scripture study, daily prayers, and attending our church meetings that will be the difference maker in our testimonies. I truly believe that if we are doing these things, then no matter what kind of information, or trial that is thrown our way--our testimonies will be solid and we will be able to withstand the storm. 

This past year, my young brother passed away. I have been extremely careful to be absolutely faithful and positive in my conversations about his passing. This "careful" attitude hasn't been an "act". I truly believe that through our faith we will overcome all of our trials. With that being said, there have been extreme moments of struggle. I have no doubt that as I have continued to pray and read my scriptures, I have been carried. I also have no doubt that because I was doing those things prior to Brandon's passing, I was directed to the pathway of healing. My faith has not faltered. My resolve remains the same. In fact, perhaps I am becoming better...slowly...very slowly, but all the same--better. 

I can't imagine living life without God in the picture. I can't imagine having him as a constant confidant. I can't imagine life without the scriptures in my head. I can't imagine FACING life without it. I am so grateful that I have been given tools that keep me safe from Satan, and that keep facing my Savior. 

The second thing (besides the inspired messages) that caused my tears to flow was watching our beloved prophet struggle as he delivered his message. Somehow as he struggled, my mind no longer focused on his message, but his struggle in delivering that message. My heart ached as I prayed for his strength. Perhaps, this second experience illuminates my frustration with the first experience. It illuminates the first, because it demonstrates how much I truly love the prophet and how utterly ridiculous it is for anyone to find fault in him. I am so grateful for all that President Monson does for me on a daily basis. I am so grateful that God, in His mercy, allows us to be led by a holy man of God. I am so grateful that President Monson--once again--offered an example of charity and love for others as he refused to quit, and as he persevered through his message. My ultimate goal is to become as Christ-like as possible prior to my passing into the next life--President Monson is an example of someone who is accomplishing that goal. I am truly grateful to him for his example.

Mushroom Wars From a Mushroom City we Found

I am constantly feeling as if I need to improve as a parent. I am far from perfect. There are many things that I feel I need to improve upon with my parenting skills. However, once in a while, I do something right. The reverence tent is doing something right. I was astounded this weekend as my kids truly focused on conference. The tent seems like a miracle worker in our lives. The kids look forward to conference. They talk about the tent, and then as conference is going--they truly focus. I think this is the 6th or 7th conference with "the tent", and I will never go back.

FAVORITES:

There was so much to be gleaned from conference, but here were some of my favorites:

"Exaltation is our goal; discipleship is our journey."
`Dieter F. Uchtdorf

"People wonder if there is going to be anything new, anything exciting in the way of a new announcement or a new tradition. The interesting thing is that everything we teach is old."
`Russell M. Nelson

"He takes us as we are--and makes us more than we ever imagined."
`Neill F. Marriott

"Your responsibility now is to be worthy of the person you wan tot marry. If you want to marry a wholesome, attractive, honest, happy, hardworking, spiritual person, be that kind of person. If you are that person and you are not married, be patient. Wait upon the Lord. I testify that the Lord knows your desires and loves you for your faithful devotion to Him. He has a plan for you, whether it be in this life or the next. Listen to His Spirit."
`Robert D. Hales

"There is no darkness so dense, so menacing, or so difficult that it cannot be overcome by light."
`Vern P. Stanfill

"Your faith will grow not by chance, but by choice."
`Neil L. Anderson

"Our adversary wants us to fail. He spreads lies as part of his effort to destroy our belief. He slyly suggests that the doubter, the skeptic, the cynic is sophisticated and intelligent, while those who have faith in God and His miracles are naive, blind, or brainwashed. Satan will advocate that it is cool to doubt spiritual gifts and the teachings of prophets. I wish I could help everyone to understand this one simple fact: we believe in God because of things we know with our heart and mind, not because of things we do not know. Our spiritual experiences are sometimes too sacred to explain in worldly terms, but that doesn't mean they are not real."
`Dieter F. Uchtdorf

"My message to you tonight is straightforward. It is this: Keep the commandments. God's commandments are not given to frustrate or to become obstacles to our happiness. Just the opposite is true. He who created us and who loves us perfectly knows just what we need and when we need it, in order to obtain the greatest happiness possible. He has provided us with guidelines which, if we follow them, will see us safely through this treacherous mortal journey. We remember the words of the familiar hymn: 'Keep the commandments! In this there is safety; in this there is peace.'"
`President Thomas S. Monson

"May I say to all of you, and particularly to you young people, that the world moves further and further away from the principles and guidelines given to us by loving Heavenly Father, we will stand out from the crowd because we are different..."
`President Thomas S. Monson

"The culminating act of all Creation was the creation of woman!"
`Russell M. Nelson

"We can, if we live worthy of it, have the blessings of the Spirit to be with us."
`Henry B. Eyring

"It's important to recognize that God's ultimate purpose is our progress. His desire is that we continue f'from grace to grace, until we receive a fullness' of all that He can give. That requires more than being nice or feeling spiritual. It requires faith in Jesus Christ, repentance, baptism of water and of Spirit, and enduring in faith to the end."
`D. Todd Christofferson

"God never loses sight of our eternal potential, even when we do."
`Carole M. Stephens

"Your Heavenly Father loves you--each of you. That love never changes."
`President Thomas S. Monson

"Focus not on what I can't do but rather what I can do."
`Gary E. Stevenson

"Remember that faith and doubt cannot exist in the same mind at the same time for one will dispel the other."
`Thomas S. Monson

"As the literal spirit children of our loving Heavenly Father, we have unlimited divine potential.
`M. Russell Ballard

"If our lives are centered on Jesus Christ, He can successfully mold us into who we need to be."
`Richard J. Maynes

"As we make Christ the center of our lives, our fears will be replaced by the courage of our conviction."
`Thomas S. Monson

"Do not give up! Never give up!"
`Elder Martino

"Our Heavenly Father knows our divine potential. He rejoices every time we take a step forward."
`Larry R. Lawrence

"We need women who know how to make important things happen by their faith."
`Russell M. Nelson

"To all the mothers in every circumstance, including those who struggle--and all will--I say, "Be peaceful. Believe in God and yourself. You are doing better than you think you are.'"
`Jeffrey R. Holland

"Once we begin to see the divinity in ourselves, we can see it in others."
`Rosemary M. Wixom

"One man or woman who is willing to testify when the world is going in the opposite direction, can make a difference."
`Gregory A. Schwitzer

"No love in mortality comes closer to approximating the pure love of Jesus Christ than the selfless love a devoted mother has for her child."
`Jeffrey R. Holland

"If you do your best, it will all work out."
`Neill F. Marriott

"What lack I yet?"
`Larry R. Lawrence

"Straighten up and fly right."
`Robert D. Hales

"None of us marry perfection, we marry potential."
`Robert D. Hales

We need to engage in intentional parenting...I've been where you are--I'll help you get through it.
`Bradley D. Foster

"When you do your part, He will magnify you."
`Henry B. Eyring

"Step forward and take your place. More than you ever have before..." (I need to look this one up some more.)
`Russell M. Nelson

"True disciples are not looking to make excuses for the doctrine. True disciples represent the Lord when it's not convenient."
`Gregory A. Schwietzer

"Don't be critical of the barrier, it's offering you protection."
`Elder Keetch

"Ponderize one verse of scripture each week."
`Devin G. Durrant

Kindness

Today while I was volunteering at Jake's school, an awkward little girl came to talk to Jake with genuine excitement. Jake was so kind and accepting of this sweet angel. As our lunch date continued, Jake laughed with everyone in his path. He was genuinely kind to everyone. He didn't care what anyone else looked like--he was simply kind.

How often do we allow social parameters to determine how we treat others? We are taught to be Christ-like, and this issue is definitely a determining factor in being Christ-like.

Today I have thought back on my growing up years. Was I kind to everyone? I honestly think I genuinely tried to be kind to everyone. With that being said, I think I can be better. Being Christ-like is a molding process that doesn't just happen. It is something that takes a lot of molding and shaping.

Life can be hard...

I think it's sometimes easy to look at our own difficulties, and find ourselves feeling sorry for ourselves. The thing is: all we have to do is look outside ourselves to see that there is someone else who has it even harder. Life isn't meant to be a bed of roses. No, rather an opportunity for us to grow from the challenges we are given. The awesome thing about challenges/trials is that we get to choose how we face them. We get to choose if we will beat them, or if they will beat us.

Seeing the Good

SEEING THE GOOD

Seeing the good in the everyday crazy moments is charity. There are moments when my heart is filled with frustration towards my children, because they are not listening, or because they are not working hard, or because they are choosing to be disobedient. As I pause and reflect on these moments, I wonder what would happen if I could pause for a minute--prior to my disciplining--to see the good in each situation. I wonder if I did allow myself this new perspective, if I could teach more effectively. When Jake wasn't working hard on his morning chores, I wonder if I had pointed to what he was doing right, and then reinforced what I needed to improve--I wonder if the confidence I would have offered for doing something good would have encouraged him to succeed in the area I was hoping to see improvement?

Can you imagine? I love the way you are doing..., and I like how you... and then, I could add: Would you be willing to work on (fill in the blank) for me? Seeing the "good" when "bad" is happening is definitely something that will take a bit of work. The natural man in me wants to resort to demanding for the situation to change rather than patiently working through our trials. The scriptures say that we must have long-suffering and patience--I don't think demanding correction falls into that category. No--I think "demanding" falls under the natural man, and the "I'm too lazy to take time to parent correctly". The scriptures also say that if we have faith, we can be healed from all afflictions. That means that through my faith, I can absolutely trust that God will help me improve. I have no doubt that the process of SEEING THE GOOD is a worthy goal in which God will be well pleased. I have a long way to go, but I am willing to put my trust in Him.

Seeing The Good

SEEING THE GOOD

I haven't been here for a while. It's not that I don't have more to say, but perhaps I've needed time...

Today I am writing about Brandon again. I was recently informed of someone speaking in a sacrament meeting about service. In his talk, he spoke of my little brother, and the example Brandon had been to him. I just received the talk, and it has caused me to reflect on life.

I always knew the things that this person shared of Brandon, but I was too busy to really "see". As I have contemplated his divine nature, I have wondered if I am neglecting an important portion of loving the people around me--if I am not taking the time to bask in their light. I think--as a mom, it is easy to always correct my children with behaviors that need correcting, and easy to neglect to praise the good. I think I am missing the process of truly seeing others as God sees them. I think I have been defining others by their trials rather than their strengths, and I need to start defining others by their strengths and not by their trials--my children included. 

I remember on Brandon's frequent visits to my home, him taking a multitude of pills. I remember watching him as he counted out the various pills that he needed to sustain his life. I remember asking him about his medical condition, about his well-being (which quite often focused on his medical condition), and about his life in general. I remember anxiously asking him of his work--always afraid that another company would view his "medical" history to be too difficult to continue employing him. I remember watching him struggle as he talked. I remember hating that his vocal chords were ruined. It was difficult for Brandon to push enough air through his throat to speak. I often worried about other people judging Brandon's difficulties, and I desired to protect him from their scrutiny.Whenever Brandon came to visit, I thought often of his medical trials, but I forgot to enjoy the person Brandon truly was... In retrospect, in my effort of protecting Brandon, I became the problem I desired to protect him against. Perhaps this is a story about loving a person entirely--the good and the bad. In my limited understanding previous to Brandon's passing, I was loving Brandon entirely; however, now--as I reflect on his life, I wonder if there could have been more charity, more love, and more joy if I had only taken the time to bask a bit in his great strengths? I wonder how I could have grown as a sister, and as a mother--if I had only allowed myself the opportunity of being the student rather than being the teacher all of the time?

Seeing people for their good qualities is a gift. This gift in which I speak is the gift of charity. Seeing others as they truly are is a lesson that will not be lost on me. 

The TALK (or a portion of it) by Greg Slevin about Brandon Elkington:
(Greg worked as a pharmacist at a Camp where Brandon was a counselor.):

Brandon was another person I met at Camp.  He was also a counselor, who had type 1 diabetes.  He was about 20 something.  Unlike Zach--Brandon also had another condition.  One of the things that the pharmacy students and I do on the Saturday that we get to camp is to set up the infirmary and package all of the staff medications in bubble packs.  The first time I met Brandon was when I was helping a student package his medications.  Not only was Brandon cursed with Type 1 diabetes--he also had another auto-immune condition that affected his other organs.  His own body would attack his other organs.  He was on some very powerful medications to prevent this from happening.  When you take powerful medications there are always side effects, sometimes powerful side effects.  He had multiple things going on that he dealt with every single day.  I can tell you that I have never seen Brandon with anything on his face other than a smile.  He was always positive.  You would never have known that he was battling multiple diseases.  He would often be giggling with a friend on the other side of the room and you would just wonder what they were talking about.  He had a gift.  Like Zach, he would do anything to help you out.  He wouldn’t even hesitate.  Didn’t care what it was.  If you asked for help he would just jump up out of his seat and say let’s go.  When I was helping to prepare for camp, I was surprised to not see his name on the roster this year.  We had talked the previous year and he thought for sure that he would be coming to camp this year.  I just assumed something came up.  It was certainly not uncommon for people to miss a year.  Sometimes if someone can’t come for the entire week they get permission to come for part of a week.  Their name may not always be on the roster.  It could have been that he was in the "maybe column"--that he hadn’t committed yet.  The roster always changes right up until camp.  Sometimes even during camp people have to go home for an unexpected reason.  At teen camp Saturday evening, we had just finished getting the medical stuff set up, and all of us headed to the lodge for staff meeting and training.  One of the first things that Alan, our camp director, said was that he had to make an announcement.  He wanted to let us know that Brandon had died.  He ended up getting a respiratory infection… I think it was the flu.  Because Brandon had to take medications to prevent his body from attacking his other organs, he could not fight infection very well.  I really don’t know a lot of the details.  I didn’t know that it had happened.  Many of the others there had known.  I was in shock.  Brandon was such a nice guy.  Brandon lived in eastern Idaho, so I didn’t really know him that well.  I just knew him one week out of the year, and can tell you he has had a tremendous effect on my life.  It is people like him and Zach that make it easy for me to be positive when I am performing service.  My words don’t even come close to describing him.  When I got back from camp, I tried to learn more about what had happened to him.  When I went to his Facebook page there were hundreds of people that had commented about him.  This is what they had to say:  1) He was truly a gift of God.   2) He is an example of the sort of positive influence that I hope to be.  3) Brandon was a great guy and a true friend to everyone he came across.  4) He was such a fun loving guy.  5) I had only a few brief interactions with Brandon. I remember being impressed with his unrelenting optimism in the face of great difficulty.  6) With the many struggles that had come your way you fought threw it, always smiling anytime I saw you. 7) You were a man people could count on, always willing to help others before yourself.  8) What an amazing guy you were! So full of life and fun!  9) He has always been so strong and a friend to everyone.  10) His kind, sunny personality will be greatly missed. The messages went on and on.  There were Hundreds of messages.  I do believe that Brandon stands blameless before God

LESSONS I AM LEARNING:

Charity Never Faileth:

President Monson gave a talk on charity. In his talk, he shared a story that seemed to emulate many of Brandon's trials in life. This is what he said:

A woman by the name of Mary Bartels had a home directly across the street from the entrance to a hospital clinic. Her family lived on the main floor and rented the upstairs rooms to outpatients at the clinic.

One evening a truly awful-looking old man came to the door asking if there was room for him to stay the night. He was stooped and shriveled, and his face was lopsided from swelling—red and raw. He said he’d been hunting for a room since noon but with no success. “I guess it’s my face,” he said. “I know it looks terrible, but my doctor says it could possibly improve after more treatments.” He indicated he’d be happy to sleep in the rocking chair on the porch. As she talked with him, Mary realized this little old man had an oversized heart crowded into that tiny body. Although her rooms were filled, she told him to wait in the chair and she’d find him a place to sleep.

At bedtime Mary’s husband set up a camp cot for the man. When she checked in the morning, the bed linens were neatly folded and he was out on the porch. He refused breakfast, but just before he left for his bus, he asked if he could return the next time he had a treatment. “I won’t put you out a bit,” he promised. “I can sleep fine in a chair.” Mary assured him he was welcome to come again.

In the several years he went for treatments and stayed in Mary’s home, the old man, who was a fisherman by trade, always had gifts of seafood or vegetables from his garden. Other times he sent packages in the mail.

When Mary received these thoughtful gifts, she often thought of a comment her next-door neighbor made after the disfigured, stooped old man had left Mary’s home that first morning. “Did you keep that awful-looking man last night? I turned him away. You can lose customers by putting up such people.”

Mary knew that maybe they had lost customers once or twice, but she thought, “Oh, if only they could have known him, perhaps their illnesses would have been easier to bear.”

After the man passed away, Mary was visiting with a friend who had a greenhouse. As she looked at her friend’s flowers, she noticed a beautiful golden chrysanthemum but was puzzled that it was growing in a dented, old, rusty bucket. Her friend explained, “I ran short of pots, and knowing how beautiful this one would be, I thought it wouldn’t mind starting in this old pail. It’s just for a little while, until I can put it out in the garden.”

Mary smiled as she imagined just such a scene in heaven. “Here’s an especially beautiful one,” God might have said when He came to the soul of the little old man. “He won’t mind starting in this small, misshapen body.” But that was long ago, and in God’s garden how tall this lovely soul must stand! 3 Appearances can be so deceiving, such a poor measure of a person. Admonished the Savior, “Judge not according to the appearance.” 4

(Thomas S. Monson, "Charity Never Faileth", October 2010 General Conference)

Brandon struggled with his health ever since we were little kids. I still remember the day he was diagnosed with diabetes. It was horrific in my mind as I listened to his scream. I remember him yelling, "Daddy, save me. Daddy, save me. Don't let them hurt me." I remember watching my father and mother cry as Brandon received shots to help sustain his life. I remember sitting on the hospital floor, closing my eyes as tight as they would squeeze as I tried to block the scene from my mind. 

Brandon's diabetic struggle became a constant companion. I hated the days in which Brandon would have to fight for good blood sugars. I especially hated it when he would find himself  "low". It was in these moments that we would all scramble to save him. 

Brandon's trials did not stop at diabetes. While serving his mission, his appendix burst, which nearly killed him. Thankfully, through many priesthood blessings and the talents of the medical profession, Brandon was stabilized. He was transferred home where he could receive medical care around the clock. However, Brandon could never rest until he knew a job was done right, and so as soon as he was healthy, Brandon returned to the mission field determined to serve the Lord.

After returning home, Brandon soon discovered that the medications given to him when his appendix burst in combination with his diabetic medications caused his bone mass to deteriorate. At 27 years-old, he had the bone-mass of a 90 year-old man. At 28, he received hip replacement surgery. In addition to ruining his bone mass, the medications also took a toll on his vocal chords and nasal cavities. He was diagnosed with nasal sinusitis, and as he continued to struggle he was finally diagnosed with Wagner's Disease--another auto-immune disorder that attacked his lungs. 

Brandon's life was a series of difficulties. The majority of his life, he kept positive about these difficulties--always assuming the best. However, two summer's before his passing, Brandon tried to tell me of his struggles. I was optimistic and encouraging insisting that it would all be well--not to worry--all would be well. Even when Brandon tried to tell me once how sick he really was--I denied him that conversation insisting he would be okay. 

The thing is: most of the time, he had that perspective too. He was an example of that Chrysanthemum planted in a rusty bucket. Oh, how I love him and his example. I am so blessed to have learned from him. 

Find Joy in the Journey:

Another quote by President Monson:

"Stresses in our lives come regardless of our circumstances. We must deal with them the best we can. But we should not let them get in the way of what is most important—and what is most important almost always involves the people around us. Often we assume that they must know how much we love them. But we should never assume; we should let them know. Wrote William Shakespeare, “They do not love that do not show their love.” ³ We will never regret the kind words spoken or the affection shown. Rather, our regrets will come if such things are omitted from our relationships with those who mean the most to us.

Send that note to the friend you’ve been neglecting; give your child a hug; give your parents a hug; say “I love you” more; always express your thanks. Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved. Friends move away, children grow up, loved ones pass on. It’s so easy to take others for granted, until that day when they’re gone from our lives and we are left with feelings of “what if” and “if only.” Said author Harriet Beecher Stowe, “The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.” 

(Thomas S. Monson, "Finding Joy in the Journey", October 2008 General Conference)

I love the part where he says, "Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved." This is wisdom. True wisdom. We must love those around us. We must love them for who they are. We must cherish every minute we are given with them. We must love them and cherish them.

Faith

How can I choose Faith over Fear?

This last little while, my daughter has often asked why it has been so hard for her to continually choose faith when her fears of death and dying seem so real. She has often questioned whether or not she has faith, because she seems to fear. In these moments, I have hugged her and reassured her that she most definitely has faith, and I have admonished her to keep trying, to “doubt her doubts not her faith”.  

Just recently we had a question and answer family home evening. We allowed the kids to submit any type of question, and then Bryan and I would take turns answering their questions. My daughter submitted the question: How do you continually choose faith over fear? As I read her question, Elder Bednar’s talk came to my mind. I opened my Ensign and began reading to her about Peter looking away. I then related that back to our lives. I promised her that there most definitely was going to be moments when we would have to replace those fears with faith, because her fears would continually resurface. However, I promised her that if she continually kept her eyes focused on the Savior, she would prevail.

I asked her this morning what her impressions have been since our conversation. She said that there have been times when the fear has resurfaced and she has remembered Peter. She said, “I have remembered Peter and what Jesus said to him, and I have decided I would want to be the kind of person where I could continue to walk on the water keeping my eyes focused on the Savior. Because I have wanted to do that, I have had to do things to keep my focus. When I find myself feeling fearful, I have been replacing my fear with uplifting music. As I have replaced the fear I have had peace; I have been more happy; as I have pushed the fear out, I have felt reassured that I will overcome.  

There are many things that can crowd out our faith—not just fear—so, how can we keep our gaze focused on the Savior?

Brandon

Sometimes I find myself using Siri (a helpful app on an iphone) to help me in easy tasks. I use Siri to 'voice' text messages, GPS purposes, and for calling quite often. The other day I found myself asking Siri to call Bryan. Siri responded by saying, "Which number for Brandon would you like me to call?" Hearing Brandon's name brought a surge of emotion to the surface. I cried as I thought how I would never call Brandon again. It is in these moments when missing Brandon is difficult. I remember having moments like these after Eric passed away too.

A few days after this experience, I reflected on "accidentally" calling Brandon, and I wondered if I could still hear his voice if I did call him. With that thought, I purposefully dialed Brandon's number hoping to hear his voice on the other end of the phone call. When a voice did respond, it wasn't Brandon's, but rather a recording of a number being disconnected.

Life keeps moving. Each day is one day further from the day I lost my little brother in this life. Somehow I still want time to freeze, so portions of Brandon's memory can remain. I wanted to hear his voice on the other end of the line. When I didn't hear his voice, reality caused a bit of pain. And although my heart still longs for the impossible, I know in my heart that his memory will live forever.

Service

Kindness Matters!

Sometimes knowing what to say when someone else is grieving is a difficult task. I have felt the discomfort of others as they have tried to communicate their sorrow on my behalf. I remember when Eric died coming to the realization that although people meant well--they didn't always tactfully express their love. I think--to some degree--we (everyone) hope that through something we say, we can build a grieving soul. I have learned that it's not what people say, but it's what people do that make a difference. 

 I have a dear friend who has made it a point to check on me on a daily basis. She has spent several hours listening to my broken heart. She has heard me reminisce through many memories. Somehow she has been in tune with the spirit enough to know when I would need something more than a listening ear. In these moments, she would show up on my doorstep ready to take me to lunch. I remember one particularly hard day, I knelt by my bed and cried for a friend to show me God's love. Within the hour, this friend called me, and talked me through my morning chores. I am not even sure if we discussed my sadness that day, but I felt that she was an answer to that prayer and many more to come. My healing has been greatly increased by her loving kindness. I am humbled by her example. As I have watched her love unceasingly, I have desired to be more like her. When I have noticed others struggling, I have often thought about what my friend would do, and then I have done what she has demonstrated by her example. I hope to someday be as Christ-like as her.

Basking in other's Christ-like attributes has been a theme for my family. For Easter, we were visited by an unknown Easter Bunny. Treats were delivered along with messages of love and hope. The beautiful messages reached my children’s grieving hearts. This act of kindness touched my children and lifted them. We reminisced how in years past we have had the opportunity to be an “Easter Bunny” for a struggling family, or for a unsuspecting friend. We talked about how it felt to be the recipient. We talked about the love we felt. And we rejoiced in the kindness of others. I hope to see more with spiritual eyes, so I can show kindness the way this family showed our family. I hope to emulate the Christ-like love of lifting those who struggle.

President Eyring said that, "You can and must be an important part of His giving comfort to those who need comfort" (Eyring, The Comforter, April 2015 General Conference). This has happened for us, and we have been lifted. Through the love and generosity of others, I have gained a greater perspective of the importance of Christ-like service. I have learned from others examples just how to love like the Savior would have us to do. I have gleaned great spiritual strength and wisdom. Just like the people of Alma had their burdens lightened, we have felt a load lifted from our shoulders through the kindness of others. 

We have been blessed with meals, bags and boxes of sunshine, kind notes, concerned phone calls, a surprise Easter egg hunt, and many more thoughtful and kind expressions. My children are touched as people continue to carry us during this trial, and I think they have begun to understand what it means to "bear one another's burdens", "to mourn with those that mourn", and "to comfort those who stand in need of comfort". They have experienced firsthand what kind deeds can do for grieving hearts.

I am truly grateful for each and every expression of love we have received. Each one has taught me in my journey of becoming. I want to be the kind of person that emulates each and every person who reached out to me. I thank you. I am truly grateful.

Aunt Kathleen, We Love You!

March 23, 2015

IN MEMORY OF BRANDON

I think I have been avoiding this post for quite some time. The pictures have sat vacant without words for weeks. I've thought about what I could possibly say to illustrate my thoughts and feelings as I struggle with the passing of my little brother. 

To begin, I am grateful for my Savior, Jesus Christ. Because He died, I will see my brother again. Truly, there isn't a better gift in all the world. I don't think it is possible to express enough gratitude to my Savior for this gift.

The journey of healing will continue to take time...even now--two months later. We will continue to have tender days, and tender moments; however, through it all our Savior will be by our side. He--only He--can understand our sorrow, and because He understands--He carries us. 

And despite our struggles, there is also great joy! God is real. He loves me. He loves you. All things that are hard can be overcome through our Savior, Jesus Christ. My heart rejoices as I think of my God. My heart looks to Him, and I feel Him carrying me.

The Day of the Funeral:

The day of the funeral arrived, and it was a cold blustery day. The weather seemed to match our feelings as rain pelted the car on our way to the church. Immediately upon arriving I saw my in-law's, and we embraced in a much needed hug--they had traveled from Rupert to support our family on this sacred day. After embracing for a moment, I joined my siblings by Brandon's casket as we greeted a few more guests. A few times I stole glances at my kids as they waited with the rest of the family for the casket to be closed. My heart ached as I watched my middle child sob. Several relatives tried to offer comfort, but really to no avail. Her little body shook with emotion, and I had to look away. I knew that somehow I had to keep myself held together. I was speaking at Brandon's funeral, and I knew that in order to deliver a tribute worthy of my little brother, I needed to be able to hold my composure. I prayed for solace, I prayed for the Lord's peace, and I prayed for my mom.

As the viewing came to an end, we--the family--were all given a chance to offer one last good-bye to Brandon's mortal tabernacle. I ruffled his hair; I cried by his side, and then I stepped away allowing my siblings their moment. My brother-in-law, Kendall, then offered the family prayer; after which the procession began. I was humbled as I entered the chapel. There were so many people to offer respect to my little brother and his life. The people stretched from the chapel to the stage.

Roxanne and Layne spoke of Brandon prior to my speaking. During their talks, I often wondered why I hadn't gone first. My tears gently rolled down my cheeks as I listened and laughed at their memories. The real kicker came when Hailey played the piano for a musical number. As I listened the tears flowed, and I wondered about my ability to speak. As the piano finished, some unknown force helped me to the podium and allowed me the strength to speak of Brandon's heroism in this life. Throughout my talk, I could hear the quiet crying of those in attendance. However, it wasn't until I spoke of the Lord calling Brandon home through my Father's Priesthood blessing that my dad sobbed in anguish, and in that moment--it was difficult to hold my composure. I stopped and cried with my father for a moment. My sister moved to sit by my parents. Hugs were offered. Hands were extended. And I continued to speak.

When I finished my thoughts, I quietly left the stand to sit with my family. We hugged as Brandon's funeral came to a close. All of the thoughts and feelings expressed epitomized the genuine person that Brandon had become. Everyone who attended his serviced felt uplifted and carried. Many people expressed the desire to become better. Several people messaged my parents about the uplifting spirit felt at Brandon's funeral. One comment on Facebook read, "You guys gave Brandon such a beautiful tribute and made everyone want to be better after leaving his funeral. I hope it helped your parents pain to see all four of you and the people you have become." 

For me, the funeral was a chapter I wasn't ready to close. As we pulled up the grave, I wanted to freeze time--not because I wanted to live in the moment, but because I didn't want to say good-bye to Brandon's mortal tabernacle. Despite this internal battle, I also felt great joy and peace. My niece said it perfectly when she said, "Because of Him, death has no sting." The knowledge of the gospel lifted our hearts for the day. We knew that we would see him again.

Throughout the day, my siblings and I posted tributes to our brother's memory. Roxanne wrote on her post, "And then there were four." This phrase hung in all of our minds. Somehow each of us were determined to love our remaining siblings a bit more, to hold on to the family we had left, to be more of what our Savior would want us to be.

I wish with all my heart that the Lord's plan for my family was different. However, I can choose to move forward with faith, or I can choose to wallow in my self-pity. I can choose to learn from my sorrow, or I can choose to hide my face from my pain. I have the choice to grow from each and every trial. I get that choice. It was given to me as a gift when I came to this earth. I choose to live. I choose to learn. I choose to grow.

I have been told on numerous occasions that I shouldn't be sad at my brother's passing. After all, if we believe, then why should we cry? Dealing with grief doesn't demonstrate a lack of faith. I look to my parents, and I gain most of my strength from them. The passing of a second son has again found them grieving, but their faith still remains intact. They believe with all their hearts. They testify of Christ's Atonement. They choose to live each day with faith, and although this faith eases the burden of losing another son--they still feel the pain of missing him here on earth. Russell M. Nelson said, "The only way to take sorrow out of death is to take love out of life" (Russell M. Nelson, Doors of Death, April 1992). I love this statement. When we love someone with all of our hearts, it is only natural to also grieve when they pass onto their next journey. Russell M. Nelson also said, "We can't fully appreciate joyful reunions later without tearful separations now" (Russell M. Nelson, Doors of Death, April 1992).

After the Funeral:

After the family dinner, Bryan, Sheri, Michelle, Dave and I went to clean out Brandon's apartment. Slowly we sorted his clothes, and belongings into bins, so that they may be transported to my mom's house. Many things brought back memories, and we had moments of laughter along with moments of tears. Bryan picked up an old can filled with gun powder. When Brandon was 12, he lit that can on fire and suffered severe burns on his face and hands. I still remember him running to the shower and standing in cold water as he tried to cool the burn. We laughed at his ingeniousness. I picked up his scriptures and marveled as I flipped through the pages. Page after page had markings and thoughts in Brandon's writing. I felt as if he were standing by my side. Bin after bin was filled with memories, and carried out the door of his apartment. My mind found itself in auto-pilot as I sorted and carried.

When we arrived at my parent's home, we sorted and divided. Brandon's things were distributed among the family as mementos and keepsakes. My husband happened to be the same size as Brandon, so he was given a great deal of Brandon's clothing. Every time I see my husband in Brandon's new suit, I think of Brandon. I wondered if this reminder would be difficult for me; however, I am finding it a blessing rather than a hindrance. More than anything I would rather see my little brother in his clothes, but seeing Bryan in Brandon's clothes serves as a reminder to me to cherish the people in my life.

Each and every day is a blessing. Our time here on earth is not meant to last forever. We must cherish each moment with the people we love, and live each day to the fullest, because we never know which day will be our last.

Uncle Brandon had this tractor for Jake, and Grandma gave it to Jake on the day of the funeral.

Hailey played "Catelyn's Smile" at the funeral. Ever since--this song brings me solace, and I beg her to play it for me.

Jacob was a Paul Bearer

Testimony and Struggles

Amber bore her testimony in Fast and Testimony Meeting on Sunday. It went something like this:

My Uncle Brandon just died. I've been struggling with fears of death--fears that I'm going to die. I know that Heavenly Father answers prayers. I know that He can help me with my fears of death. I know that families are forever, and that I will see my Uncle Brandon again.

As she spoke, her little frame shook as she held in her emotion. She had to pause a few times to control her tears. It was a simple, yet powerful testimony. The tears ran down my cheeks as she spoke.

Last week Amber asked me if I was worried for her. As she paused and waited for my reply, I contemplated the best answer. I told her that I wasn't. I told her that I knew that she was struggling, but that that was going to be okay. I told her that I had no doubt that through the Savior she would get through this trial--that she would make it.

We all will get through. God loves us. He is there. He will succor us.

I was reading a conference talk called "Choose to Believe" by L. Whitney Clayton, and I was struck by something he said. He said:

"Belief and testimony and faith are not passive principles. They do not just happen to us. Belief is something we choose—we hope for it, we work for it, and we sacrifice for it. We will not accidentally come to believe in the Savior and His gospel any more than we will accidentally pray or pay tithing. We actively choose to believe, just like we choose to keep other commandments" (L. Whitney Clayton, "Choose to Believe, April 2015 General Conference). 

Overcoming this trial is going to continue to take a lot of hard work. We are going to have to continue to choose to seek the Savior, and find peace through Him. It's not going to go away just because we want to be okay again. This whole process is building my testimony and the testimonies of my kids. It's going to take hard work. It's up to us to continue on the path.

A journal entry after Brandon died:

In March, my younger brother passed away from the flu. His passing has caused all of my children to deal with new emotions they haven’t experienced before. My oldest is learning to stay the course by putting one foot in front of the other. My youngest—the boy who at one point in time dealt with fears on a daily basis—is strong in his resolve that families are forever. My middle child has found herself working through fear like she has never experienced before. Fear of death. Fear of the unknown. Fear of failure. All types of fear have seemed to shine an ugly head in our general direction.

Several nights after the funeral I found my daughter crying uncontrollably in her bed. I sat on the edge of her bed, and I listened to these fears. Some nights Amber would bravely go to bed; however, other nights found her consumed by the unknown. When Bryan and I would leave the home, Amber would text us, call us, and check on us frequently. The fear Amber was experiencing was tangible. 

One particularly hard night, Amber finally told me the cause of her fear. Amber was with me the night I found out my brother had passed away. I had just picked her up from gymnastics and I was on my way to pick up my other daughter at mutual. Brandon’s passing was unexpected, so when I got a phone call with the news of his passing, the only word I could say was “no”. I cried this word over and over again as my mind tried to find another solution to the story I was hearing. As Amber and I sat on her bed she confessed to me that she couldn’t seem to shake that moment from her thoughts. She said that seeing me in such a “broken” state caused her great fear. As I listened, I cried a bit in my own heart and I then I prayed for direction. We talked about what I did after that moment of brokenness, how I prayed for help, for faith. We talked about how to overcome our fears through the scriptures and prayers. We picked a theme scripture, and a theme song. We faced her fears head on.  

Day by day we started making progress. I have often told Amber that this process is a process of a lifetime. It is something we have to do on a daily basis. It doesn’t stop just because she finally overcomes a trial in her life. Choosing faith happens to all those who seek eternal life. 

Anniversary

Happy 16th Anniversary

 16        Reasons I am Grateful You were “Willing” to get Married:

I am grateful that our love continues to grow.

I am grateful that you have a testimony of Jesus Christ, you honor your priesthood, and you lead our family in righteousness.

I am grateful that you genuinely care for me and my feelings.

I am grateful that you help me with the laundry.

I am grateful that you teach me about being a better disciple of Christ while we study scriptures together.

I am grateful that you keep me laughing—even if it means that we are laughing at the long running list you have in your phone of the funny things I say and do. Along with that list, you are always able to lighten any mood, and allow us all to see the brighter, lighter things to life.

I am grateful that you coach our daughter’s soccer team.

I am grateful that you love going to the temple.

I am grateful that when I feel something is important, you do your best to understand why something is so important to me—you truly hear me and listen to me.

I am grateful that you’re my best friend and that if I could choose anyone to spend time with—I’d choose you.

I am grateful that you can give me a priesthood blessing when I am struggling or sick.

I am grateful that you allow me to be quirky, and instead of being bugged, you help me in my quirkiness. For example, when it’s time to leave town, instead of being frustrated that I have to finish the laundry, vacuum the floor, or whatever it is—you hurry and help me accomplish what I feel I need to accomplish without me feeling bad that I really want to do those things.

I am grateful that you don’t get upset with me when I lose money, which I seem to do a lot…

I am grateful that when I am hurting and upset, you listen to me, and you love me. You don’t try to change my feelings, nor do you try to fix my problems. You allow me to mend in my way while staying by my side strengthening me. You have been a rock for me while I have struggled with Brandon’s passing. Thank you.

I am grateful that you believe in me, and that you are my biggest cheerleader!

I am grateful that you love our children with all your heart!

We were babies back then...

Of Sadness and Gratitude

I'm sad today. Nothing happened to make me more sad today than any other day--I'm just sad. While being racked with melancholy, I looked up Brandon's account on Facebook. I wanted to see his face. To see pictures of him smiling back at me--pictures that seem to be so recent. As I scrolled through his smiling face, I cried, I smiled, and I laughed. My heart hurt a little, but it felt glad as well.

It's okay to have moments of sadness. It's okay to take that time to heal. I wish every day could be a day full of laughter and happiness full of progress and of moving forward; however, sometimes I think sadness can be progress too. Sadness helps me remember how much I loved my little brother. Sadness reminds me of the moments we shared, and on the other side of sadness, I can see peace.

So, today I'll cry. I'll allow myself that moment. I'll keep moving forward, but I'll also allow the tears to roll. I'll celebrate Brandon in my heart, and I'll rejoice in the life he lived. I'll keep sacred my understanding of forever families, and I will rejoice that it will come to pass.

I am grateful for my Heavenly Father and His love that He has for each of us. I am grateful that I know He hears me. I am grateful that I know He is aware of my struggle. I am grateful for the love He sends my way. I am grateful for the knowledge I have of families, and of the plan of salvation. I am grateful for my Savior, for His atoning sacrifice, and for His love for me. I am grateful for the opportunities I have to grow and to become better. I am grateful....ever so grateful. I love my God. I love Him with all my heart. My heart sings and rejoices in Him, and I am so grateful.

Memories

Writing a talk for Brandon’s funeral left me emotionally exhausted and overwhelmed. I worked all day on articulating my thoughts, all the while praying to remember more memories from my childhood. Towards the end of the day, we all gathered around Layne as he shared his talk, and then I shared mine. We were all touched by the words written, and we were grateful to have shared them prior to the funeral so as to help control our emotions for the actual day. As I concluded my remarks, I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness as I still hadn't remembered all that I had hoped to remember. I remember communicating to my family the frustration I felt, and the desire I had to simply run down memory lane. As I cried, Layne brought me the greatest peace I had felt since Brandon’s passing. He said, “Brandon was to you what Eric was to me. This is going to be hardest on you. All those memories will come back. Just give it some time.”

Layne and Eric were inseparable as kids. They were best friends. Brandon and I were also inseparable. We too—were best friends.

I have replayed those words a thousand times over again in my mind, and each time they bring me peace. Sometimes we want all the answers. It’s so hard to be patient as things do not work out exactly how we want them when we want them. I think the key is to trust in a greater power--believe in God, and all things will work together. Not necessarily in our own time frame, but in God's time frame.

Walking in the Shoes of Others

Compassion Cometh Through Struggles...

It was the day after the funeral, and my mom and I had a few errands to run. I sat writing thank you cards while she got a haircut--my goal was to write ALL of her thank you cards prior to leaving to Boise. After a few hours of running around, we stopped for lunch at a local Mexican Restaurant. After we had finished eating, I sat waiting in the lobby while my mom excused herself to the restroom. As I sat alone by the exit, I was hit with a rush of emotion. I held my head high and tried to control the tears that wanted to roll down my cheeks. I chided myself for crying around so many strangers. I watched as person after person passed through the exit while I waited for my mom. All of a sudden a new understanding opened to my mind. Each and every person exiting the restaurant had a story. Some of them could be experiencing great joy, while others could be experiencing great sadness. It really didn't matter who was passing me, I simply knew that each of them had "something" in their life that was either happy or sad. The knowledge that each of us pass through moments of joy and moments of sadness created a new understanding in my mind. As I sat trying to control my tears, I realized that no one in that restaurant knew that my little brother had just died. No one knew that I had spoken at his funeral just the day before. No one knew that he was my best friend, and that I was missing him like crazy. No one knew the heartbreak I was feeling as I sat alone in the restaurant. And as my mind thought on this realization, my heart opened to my fellow brethren, to all those that passed me on their way out the restaurant and all those who would ever pass me by, to everyone--my heart opened to all people everywhere, and I desired to see people more clearly, to love more deeply, to see with spiritual eyes all those who crossed my path or would ever cross my path. I may not know the struggles that are hidden from my view, but I can choose to love. I can choose to be more aware. Even if I can only offer a smile--I can do that. I prayed at that moment to be more genuinely kind to everyone everywhere for I knew that I could never walk in their shoes, but I could love them as if I had.

I was once again a little girl.

The Love of My Parents

When I was a little girl, I used to climb into bed with my parents all of the time. I liked having my parents to myself before the busyness of the day began. I felt loved and connected to them as we talked about big things and small things. I remember feeling comforted as a child and then as a youth as we talked about my life and what was important to me. My dad would always tease me as I tried to crawl in, and act as if I was interrupting his sleep, but I knew it was all just an act. I knew he liked my visits as much as I liked visiting.

After Brandon passed away, I had trouble sleeping--especially while I was staying in Idaho Falls away from my husband. One particular night, I felt I had been awake all night. I found myself waking up almost every two hours with tears rolling down my cheeks. All of my dreams were centered on my loss of my little brother, and it was difficult for me to sleep. After having such a terrible night's rest, I longed for my husband to comfort me; however, he was still in Boise taking care of our three kids. As I lay in bed, and as I longed for comfort, I suddenly remembered where I had found comfort as a little girl. I remember sneaking down the hallway to my parent's room and slowly crawling into bed with them. I felt like I was 7 again as I snuggled into the covers.

I laughed as my dad rolled over and asked, "What are you doing crawling into my bed?"

I did my best at sounding absolutely innocent as I responded, "I am cold. And I am sad. And I wanted some company."

My mom chimed in at that moment, and said, "Well, Keith, move over and make some room for her."

We talked for quite some time about our struggle and our understanding of the Plan of Salvation. Each of us bore testimony of the afterlife, and of families being forever. I felt more peace that morning than I had since learning of Brandon's death. I needed the reassurance that sometimes only parents can offer. I was grateful that my parents loved me enough to scoot over and make some room for their struggling daughter. I was also grateful for a Father in Heaven who reminded me to seek my earthly parents for comfort. I truly believe He was answering my prayers of comfort by sending me to my parents room that night.

As I reflect on this moment, I feel encompassed about by the love of my earthly parents and by the love of my Heavenly parent. I am truly grateful for the healing that took place that morning as I was able to talk about my thoughts and my struggles. It was painful as we relived the moments of Brandon's passing, and as I asked questions concerning spiritual promises that had not yet been fulfilled, but it was healing. Healing for me and I think healing for my parents too.

The Next Day...

Love is the Purpose of Life

The following morning after Brandon passed away, I drove to Idaho Falls to help prepare for the funeral. My siblings and I sat at the funeral home discussing the speakers, the music, the flowers, and all the little details that go along with planning a funeral. I felt somewhat disconnected as we discussed Brandon and the person he had become. My mind kept trying to grasp at memories that I had had with him; however, my mind was in too much shock to even be able to grasp a simple memory. I felt panicked as I voiced my sadness, and my sister, Michelle, voiced the same opinion. All of us had amazing memories and moments with Brandon, but the shock of losing him was causing our brains to function at a minimal level.

The feeling of sadness was tangible as we entered the room filled with caskets to pick out Brandon's final resting spot. In an effort to relieve the tension, my sister climbed into a casket proclaiming that it wasn't really comfortable. My siblings and I laughed and the tension relaxed a bit. The funeral director had stepped away for a bit, and when he returned, he said it wasn't the first time someone had tried out the accommodations. I was grateful for the distraction. It reminded me of the morning we found Eric's body in the Snake River. My brother-in-law, Dave, had gone into the church to allow the ward to know that we had found him (our Stake had been fasting for our family to find Eric). On his way back to the pickup, he tripped over the fence. Somehow as I write what happened, it doesn't seem funny, but for us, at that moment--it was funny. The laughter lightened our hearts and delivered a portion of peace. I felt similar as my sister crawled out of the casket and for a moment the mood was lighter. However, our thoughts quickly returned to the task at hand. In the end, my mother picked her favorite casket, and we all agreed. After all, it was her son we were burying--mother's should get to choose those things.

As we continued through the tasks at the funeral home, my mind continually returned to the same tasks 20 years previously. When Eric died, we weren't allowed to see his body, because it had been in the water for so long. The funeral director was concerned that it would leave us with a bad memory; however, he offered us an opportunity to view him through a veil. I remember it being most important for Roxanne and I that we have this opportunity. For me, I needed it for closure--or at least, I felt that I did. I remember standing beside Eric's body and touching his hand. It felt so empty as I knew that he was no longer in his mortal body. Seeing the outline of his body made everything more real--more painful. It was as if my heart could feel the finality of what my brain already knew. 

As my mind reflected on this memory, I felt I needed to see Brandon as I had seen Eric. Most of my siblings had already seen Brandon--they had been there the night of his death; however, Rox and I lived away from Idaho Falls, so we hadn't yet seen him. It still felt like somewhat of a dream for me, and I think my heart needed to face the reality of the situation. I didn't want to leave the funeral home without seeing Brandon. I'm not sure why--I just wanted to see him.

The funeral director was kind enough to wheel Brandon out for us to see. And once again the finality of his death was communicated to my heart. I cried as I stood by his side. I couldn't touch him. My stomach felt sick. My dad came over and ruffled his hair. My siblings all stood around me. We all took a moment to cry.

I remember walking away to cry. I heard my niece bearing testimony of the Resurrection, and I was grateful to share in that knowledge, and to believe it with all of my heart. I knew that it was the reason we would find peace, and the reason our hearts would heal--it's how we got through Eric's death, and I knew it would carry us again. I remember listening to my niece and her beautiful testimony, and then looking around at my siblings. There was only 4 of us left.

I think we all had this realization and our minds were grasping at life lessons. All of us felt as if we had already learned this lesson when Eric died; however, with Brandon's passing, we felt it anew. The lesson: the most important thing we can accomplish in this life is to love the people in our lives. I think it is easy to get too busy with the everyday tasks of life, and in the process of being busy--we miss the point of our existence. Brandon epitomized this lesson in his everyday life. For the most part, Brandon didn't say mean things to me or to anyone else--even when there were moments when a mean comment would be warranted. On occasion he would get frustrated, but rather than say something unkind Brandon would leave entirely. I remember just a few weeks prior to his passing, he was staying at my home, and we were having a deep discussion on life, and the importance of refusing Satan in our lives. Brandon could have been mad at me as I took on a motherly role towards him, but he didn't get mad. Instead, Brandon showed great humility as he listened and accepted my counsel.  

If there is one lesson I am learning from the deaths of my two brothers, it is to show more love. There has to be room in our hearts to reach out to the people around us. There has to be time in our day to send a message of love. There has to be a conscientious action to show more love. We are taught in the scriptures that charity is the pure love of Christ (Moroni 7:47)... and "whosoever is possessed of it at the last day, it will be well with him" (Moroni 7:47).  We are also taught in the scriptures from the Savior how we can best show love when he asked Peter if he loved him. He asked Peter multiple times to which Peter always responded in the affirmative. Finally, the Savior taught the key to love when he said, "Feed My Sheep" (John 2:14-17).

Marvin J. Ashton said, "When were you last fed by a family member or friend? When were you last given nourishment for growth and ideas, plans, sorting of the day, sharing of fun, recreation, sorrow, anxiety, concern, and meditation? These ingredients can only be shared by someone who loves and cares. Have you ever gone to extend sympathy and comfort in moments of death and trial, only to come away fed by the faith and trust of the loving bereaved? Certainly the best way for us to show our love in keeping and feeding is by taking the time to prove it hour by hour and day by day. Our expressions of love and comfort are empty if our actions don’t match. God loves us to continue. Our neighbors and families love us if we will but follow through with sustaining support and self-sharing. True love is as eternal as life itself. Who is to say the joys of eternity are not wrapped up in continuous feeding, keeping, and caring? We need not weary in well-doing when we understand God’s purposes and his children" (Marvin J. Ahston,  "Love Takes Time, October 1975 General Conference).

I have felt this love as I have struggled with my brother's passing. There have been those who have reached out to me, who have taken the time to show that they care. It was more than in word, but in action. As they have done this, my understanding of love has deepened, and I have desired to be more like them—not only to my family, but to my friends as well.

Marvin J. Ashton further explained this principle when he said, “The world is filled with too many of us who are inclined to indicate our love with an announcement or declaration. True love is a process. True love requires personal action. Love must be continuing to be real. Love takes time” (Marvin J. Ahston,  "Love Takes Time, October 1975 General Conference).

It is easy to forget to reach out, it is easy to become too busy with the busyness of life; however, in the end, when I am standing before my Savior, and He asks me if I loved him, I hope I can answer with an affirmative, because I had fed His sheep.