Daily Reflections~Brandon's Burial

Today I had the opportunity of speaking at my brother's funeral. I am grateful for the life he lived, for the person he was, for the example he set. I am saddened that today meant good-bye. My heart longs for a redo, but I know it isn't meant to be. Through this experience I am learning more and more about the qualities I want to develop in my life.
1. My little brother loved everyone. No judgement whatsoever.
I want to be like him.
2. I have now lost 2 siblings prematurely. I thought I had learned what it meant to cherish each day when my older brother, Eric, died, but I don't think I learned this lesson fully. I think I need to love more deeply--not only those around me, but my family. I need to make a conscious effort to do all I can for the people I love the most. I think it can be easy to simply go through the motions of life, and forget to make time for those who matter most. Perhaps, it is easy to forget, because we live so far away--it is my goal to not let distance create distance.
3. I've learned that we mus keep an eternal perspective in life. When we think in life as the here and now, it is easy to lose hope; however, as we look to what the plan of salvation truly means--peace can be obtained.

Still pondering more lessons. I am sure there will be more by tomorrow...

I am simply grateful for my family. I love them with all of my heart. I miss Brandon like crazy, and missing Brandon is bringing my missing for Eric back to the surface...

This is definitely a difficult time; however, I know God is with me. I know he will carry us.

When I gave my talk today to celebrate Brandon's life, I felt His sustaining power. I felt assured that he loved me, and I knew that through the atonement I was strengthened. I am so grateful.

After the funeral we had the opportunity of sifting through Brandon's clothes. This was so difficult. My whole heart just wants him back with us. I just want to wake up. I just want him to be here with me tomorrow.

I want to see him again. I want to hug him one last time. I want to tell him everything that I now know now that he is gone--I wish I had that kind of insight.

Brandon was my friend, and my brother. I can hardly breathe when I think of a life without him in it.

Daily Reflections

It was Brandon's viewing tonight. I didn't think I would be able to hold my emotions together; however, I finally felt something greater than myself strengthening me to stand strong. It was still difficult, and I still feel an intense longing and sadness; however, I also know that I was carried. I know the atonement was playing a role with my emotions tonight. I am grateful for this tender mercy.

I'm still in shock and disbelief. I keep hoping to wake up from his dream; however, I know this is my reality. How will I ever live without him? How will our now "little" family function?

The Viewing

Prior to the viewing, I prayed for peace. I felt that there was a definite feeling of peace at my parent's home, but for me--I struggled to wrap the peace around my heart. I didn't want to refuse the love that I knew my Father in Heaven was sending. When my older brother, Eric, passed away, I had moments where I felt the Savior’s presence, and moments when I felt completely alone. Right after we found my brother’s body, my entire family felt a great peace and reassurance. We knew that a greater force was with us during that time. However, as the time drew closer for the viewing, that feeling of peace began to dissipate for me. At one point during the viewing, my father asked me to go and seek peace as I was unable to control my tears. I don’t remember where I went in the funeral home, or much about what happened surrounding my prayer, but I do remember reading in Matthew 11: 28-30. It reads, “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your soul. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” As I prayed and read the scriptures, peace began to fill my heart once again. I named this scripture my “Eric Peace Scripture”, and every time I had a moment of struggle, I would again turn to this scripture and remind myself to seek the Savior.

As Brandon's viewing neared, I thought of this experience with Eric and prayed for a similar peace. I prayed for the strength to greet people with courage and strength. I prayed to be able to feel the love of my Savior. By the time the viewing began, my prayers had been answered, and I knew that a strength greater than myself had begun carrying me. I felt a strength that I knew I did not have, and I was even able to smile and celebrate Brandon.

I am truly grateful for the Lord and the peace He offers us in times of trial. I have no doubt that He is aware of us. Elder Oaks said that “Peace comes from knowing that the Savior knows who we are and knows that we have faith in Him, love Him, and keep His commandments, even and especially amid life’s devastating trials and tragedies” (Quentin L. Cook, Personal Peace: The Reward of Righteousness, April 2013).

When the Prophet, Joseph Smith, was in Liberty Jail, the Lord said to him, “My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high” (D&C 121:7-8).

Elder Cook further states, “The Savior is the source of true peace. Even with the trials of life, because of the Savior’s Atonement and His grace, righteous living will be rewarded with personal peace. In the intimate setting of the Passover chamber, the Savior promised His Apostles that they would be blessed with the ‘Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost’ and then uttered these important words: ‘Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you.’³⁰ Then just before His Intercessory Prayer: “These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.”³¹

Eliza R. Snow penned this concept beautifully:

‘Lift up your hearts in praise to God;

Let your rejoicings never cease.

Though tribulations rage abroad,

Christ says, ‘In me ye shall have peace.’”

(Quentin L. Cook, Personal Peace: The Reward of Righteousness, April 2013).
 

I truly believe that it is through the Savior each of us will be given the strength to overcome any trial we may face. As we reach out to Him, He will be ready to carry us. We do not have to try to face our trials alone. One of the most beautiful aspects of the atonement is that the Savior understands our pains and our sorrows because He suffered for them in Gethsemane. I am grateful to my Savior that He loved me enough to allow me to be carried through His atonement.

One of my favorite songs is called Gethsemane. In the chorus it states:

Gethsemane—Jesus loves me
So He Gave this Gift To Me
In Gethsemane

Daily Reflections

My little brother died this week. I've been trying to find silver linings through my struggle as I am sure there are blessings from above being poured down upon my family. My anguish and sorrow is so great that it is hard for me to see past my pain. My mind is having difficulty even wrapping around my memories that I have shared with my brother. I think I am in utter shock and disbelief. I have moments of frustration, sadness, and great pain. I also have moments of peace. It is in these moments of peace that I know the Spirit is near. That I know that the silver lining is happening for me.

This week I have come to see how beautiful of a life my little brother led. He was so kind, and the desires of his heart were genuine and pure. As I have studied his journals, I have learned more about him then I ever knew while he lived. I'm not sure how I would've gained the same understanding while he was still alive, but I wish I would have.

I thought I had already learned the lessons of cherishing each moment when my brother, Eric, died. However, as I am now faced with yet another brother's passing, I feel I am relearning what it means to truly care, to truly love, to truly know that around you.

As I was contemplating this very thing, I determined to ask God to give me the spirit of understanding, to give me the love He has for his children, and to see people with spiritual eyes. I feel that I now see Brandon with spiritual eyes, and he is/was glorious. I have always loved and adored him, but my understanding wasn't what I wish it should have been.

I miss Brandon dearly. My heart is breaking. I cry at random, and then I can't cry at all because the tears have all been cried. I keep desiring a "redo", and a "if only". I wish I could reverse time and make every single minute and moment count. I wish he could feel how much I love him. How do we show people our love in the day to day moments? I try to often say the simple words of "I love you", but I think it is more. I think it is easy to get busy with the day to day happenings that we forget to take the time for the things that matter most. I want to live each moment to the fullest.

If I could see Brandon again, I would hug him fiercely. I would tell him how much I loved him. I would tell him I was proud of him. I would tell him how much I miss him. And I would tell him to build a palace for our family while he was in heaven, because we were all coming.

I can't wait for my reunion with my two brothers. I can't wait. I so want to see them again. I wonder what it was like for Brandon to be welcomed home by his older brother. I can only imagine Eric waiting for him to take his last breath, and then their pure joy as they embraced.

Daily Reflections

Yesterday, Amber competed in a gymnastics meet, and she felt extremely upset with her performance. (She still took 2nd place, but her scores were way lower than they had been.) I was disappointed in her reaction to her scores. Rather than staying calm and confident, she found herself crying, and upset. In my opinion, she needed to be taught about the importance of being a good loser verses a good winner. We had a discussion on the differences, and all seemed to be understood. However, when I went to bed, the day's events played over and over again in my mind. At around 5:30 in the morning, I woke up contemplating the situation, which formulated many conclusions for the situation. Realizing that it was inspiration--I began jotting down all that my mind registered.

Here is what I wrote:
It's not about beating everyone and how they are doing--it's about beating yourself. It's about competing against yourself. You beat up yourself when you compare and consider your success hinged on having a higher score than your teammates. When you focus on this, you tear yourself down, and you separate yourself from being a supportive teammate. Your focus should be on improving yourself. Beating your own personal performances. Working towards your personal best. You win when you are a good sport no matter the results of the scores. Stop thinking you have to be THE best, and start trying to do your best. Your dad and I are more concerned with how you act rather than the scores on the scoreboard. Being a good sport is more important than winning. We love you. We are proud of your hard work and determination. We believe in you!

These words just came flowing out of me, and I knew that Heavenly Father was blessing me on how to teach my daughter. I have been praying to know what to say to my kids and how to help them individually. I know this was a direct answer to those prayers. I know He is aware of us. I know that He loves us. I am grateful for moments like these where I can see God's hand in my life.

I am also grateful for Amber. Her good attitude; her desire to improve; and her humility. She took our teaching with grace and beauty. She held her head high, and chose to improve rather than choosing to be defensive. It is always hard to hear what we need to improve upon. Amber was an example of how to take constructive criticism.

Daily Reflections

Today I was prompted to "slow" down just a bit, and spend some quality time with Jacob and Amber. Life can get so busy, and the busyness of life is really getting to me right now. Jacob is getting baptized in a few weeks, and I am in the process of making him a book. My mind is consumed with finishing this book in time for it to be published prior to his baptism. I feel that I am using every waking moment to accomplish this goal. After Amber and Jake finished their homework, I was prompted to slow down and spend quality time with my kids. They both wanted to watch a movie, so the three of us curled up on the coach and snuggled in for a movie. I was able to express to them that they come first despite my "to do" list.

I am grateful for the prompting to slow down; to make time for the most important things. Making a book prior to Jake's baptism is important to me; however, spending time with my kids is far more important.

I have faith that when we put the things that matter most first, we are blessed. I truly believe that everything else will fall into place.

Daily Reflections

I was able to teach at the Seminary today. I was asked at "last minute", and felt extremely unprepared. Just before I started to teach, I prayed for guidance and help. The first lesson was awesome. The spirit was so strong. I knew that it had nothing to do with me, but everything to do with the Lord. The second hour I taught wasn't as good as the first, and I think it was because I felt more confident and comfortable. I didn't fully rely on the Lord like I had previously. 

The Lord truly does magnify us in everything and anything; however, He can't magnify us if we don't ask, if we don't rely on Him. 

Daily Reflections

Today we were able to listen to L. Tom Perry in Stake Conference. I felt so blessed to listen to an apostle about the importance of making it to eternal life. He made jokes about how he wished he could have us all marching toward that with excitement. It was refreshing to listen to his wisdom, his down to earth personality, his love for the Gospel. He was an example to me of simply being our best selves. Perhaps, him being his best self came through a life devoted to God. At the end of his discourse he said, "The closer you draw to Him (God), the more blessing s you receive in this life and the world to come. Let Him into your life." He also gave a promise when he said, "I promise you that if you turn your life to Him it will become part of your character--trust in Him."

I was grateful for an apostles insight. I was grateful for the entire conference. I learned about being non-contention, and about becoming through the other speakers--both of which, I could always improve. It has always been my desire to have a non-contentious home, and to become ALL that my Father in Heaven needs me to become. I felt touched by all the messages given.

Some of my favorite one-liners:
Becoming Means to Change
Burying Our Weapons of War causes us to Be Converted to the Lord
What are our weapons?

Sister Marriott (2nd Counselor in YW's General Presidency)
~Only takes one to shift an attitude to avoid contention
~3 Nephi 29 the Savior teaches 3 separate times about avoiding contention