Continue Pressing Forward

 Trials will Make us Stronger

I wouldn't say I am a runner; rather I would say that I enjoy staying active. Not being able to run these last 7 months has made me appreciate the moments when I did run. Yesterday, I ran for the first time after having surgery last March. I was super excited. I felt like I was just making it over a huge mountain I have been climbing for a long time.

It's funny how life can throw you some curve balls just when you think you're to the end of the trial you now reside. Today I went to get a second opinion on my the progress of my knee. I have been unable to get full extension for the last 7 months, I have had pain in my lower knee, and to be honest--I didn't think it was part of the "normal" healing process.

Despite being concerned about my healing, I don't think I thought that I would be going back into surgery. Just when I had finally been given the "OK" to run, I was going to be starting back at ground zero.

I can't describe the bag of mixed emotions in my heart. I am sad. I am glad. I am frustrated. I am relieved. I am sad for obvious reasons. I am glad that my problems haven't been "just in my head", but that there is really something that can be done. I am frustrated that I still need to learn patience.... And, I am relieved that I have some answers.

This definitely isn't an easy trial for me, but I know that it will bless me as I continue to persevere. And someday...someday...someday...I will run for reals.

Faith

It is easy to doubt spiritual impressions. For several years I have had the impression that I needed to write a book. And although I believed that impression, I lacked the act of faith it required to begin the process. I have allowed my feelings of inadequacy to take place in my mind rather than trusting in God. When it comes to God helping us in our lives, I absolutely believe that He will--without question. I have no doubt that He is there, and very much a part of our lives. However, my faith has been lacking as I thought of all my imperfections pertaining to the process of writing a book, and this lack of faith has caused my great hesitations in beginning the process. Ironically, the book's main theme was meant to be on faith.

Faith is a hope for things which are not seen, but are true (Alma 32:21). Having faith means than that I must step forward and trust that the Lord will become the author--trusting in Him enough to allow myself to simply become a tool. Therefore, I begin this process--knowing that He will guide it, and I will simply be His scribe. With that being said, I do not feel that I am an expert at this topic. In fact, I feel far from it; however, I do feel that my life has been written around the faith required to continue in the faith, and because of that, it is my hope that these thoughts will help someone in need.

Dreams of Resurrection

The other night I had a dream that I was young again. In my dream, my little brother and I were together--it was all about the joy we had together. There wasn't one specific activity we did--in the dream--it was just a feeling of spending time and enjoying one another. We were kids without any cares or concerns in the world. We frolicked through the days simply enjoying each other and our happy lives. And then--out of nowhere--he died. In my dream, I grieved my loss, and I anticipated his funeral; however, he wasn't buried, and somehow this seemed okay. My parents carefully laid him to rest on our family couch--almost as if we were waiting for something. Everyday I walked by my little brother peacefully residing in our home. A great deal of time passed, and then--almost as suddenly has he had gone--he was alive.

I remember being so grateful at my parent's wisdom in keeping him with us. The moment he awoke was indescribable joy. Joy beyond anything I have ever felt. It was a culmination of the love we shared before he was gone, missing him, and then all things being restored. My heart was filled to bursting. We laughed. We talked. All was well again in my world.

And then it was over.

I awoke feeling as if something was missing. Brandon was just in the surface of my mind, and I felt as if something grand had happened. As I gathered my thoughts, I realized that Brandon was--in fact--gone, and that he hadn't been resurrected--not yet.

When I went to bed the previous night, I wasn't thinking about Brandon; however, somehow in my dream world--I found him. It has been a year since Brandon has passed away. For the most part, we are doing well; however, I am constantly amazed how mourning sometimes takes longer than we realize. I am grateful for this dream, because despite the fact that we would never lay someone to rest on our living room couch, it still provides a powerful truth that will someday be realized.

Brandon will live again. The joy I felt at Brandon's "resurrection" must have been only a small taste of what it will really be like when we see our loved ones again. I am so humble and grateful for a Heavenly Father who loved me enough to send His Son to die for me. I am speechless when I think of my Savior's love and grace on my behalf. Because of the atonement, all things will be made right. I can't even imagine the joy.



Brandon when we were young...



Families Are Forever

The Lord's Hand

I sometimes stand in awe at the love that the Lord bestows in our lives. This morning I needed to wake up early in order to drive to my uncle's funeral 4 hours away. Timing was everything, and because of that-- I couldn't afford to sleep passed my alarm.

When I went to bed, I was careful to set my alarm--knowing I needed to wake up at 5:00 a.m. I was sound asleep when I was awakened by an impression that I hadn't set my alarm. At first, my consciousness thought I was still dreaming; however, the impression was so strong that I found myself crawling out of bed to check the time. I have two 5 o'clock settings in my alarms--one for the morning and one for the evening. I had set my alarm, but instead of setting it for the morning--I set it for the evening. When I awoke, it was 5:05 a.m. I have no doubt that Heavenly Father directed my path today. He was aware of my need, and He provided a way for me to attend my uncle's funeral. Without that wake up call--we wouldn't have been able to attend. I am so grateful. I am in awe at His love. 

Did God send a message that was just for me?

I'm trying to write these thoughts more diligently. What did God send me today?

I was grateful for the opportunity to teach Jacob's class today. I was able to see a bird's eye view of my son and his surroundings at church. It taught me a lot about how I can instruct him as a parent, and how I can teach him compassion. I thought a lot about wishing for a different class, and yet--I changed my mind midway through those thoughts. As I reflect on his circumstance, I realize that he has the opportunity to BE THE GOOD. He can reach out to the struggling children and lift. He can learn to not succumb to the temptations of "playing along" when a child is being disruptive. Sometimes it is the frustrating scenarios that make us better more compassionate human beings.