What makes a hero? My tribute to Brandon.

My Little Brother is a Hero

“Though the storm clouds may gather, though the rains may pour down upon us, our knowledge of the gospel and our love of our Heavenly Father and of our Savior will comfort and sustain us and bring joy to our hearts as we walk uprightly and keep the commandments. …

“My beloved brothers and sisters, fear not. Be of good cheer. The future is as bright as your faith.”

~Thomas S. Monson

I love this quote. I love that it says, "Our future is as bright as our faith". I truly believe that  if we turn to our Heavenly Father and our Savior, we will be carried. He will sustain us. He will not leave us comfortless. For the past month I have seen His hand in my life as I have struggled with the passing of my younger brother. As I reach to Him, I know He is there. I know He is guiding me. And although I wish God's plan was somehow different for my family--I do not doubt it. I trust that all this is for a greater purpose.

President Spencer W. Kimball said that someday, “from the vantage point of the future, we shall be satisfied with many of the happenings of this life that are so difficult for us to comprehend," He added: “We knew before we were born that we were coming to the earth for bodies and experience and that … after a period of life we would die. We accepted all these eventualities with a glad heart, eager to accept both the favorable and unfavorable. We eagerly accepted the chance to come earthward even though it might be for only a day or a year” (Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Spencer W. Kimball (2006), 20).

These words are dear to my heart. We do not know how long our time will be on this earth, or how long our loved ones will remain. We accepted this eventuality when we came here--in fact, we rejoiced for the opportunity. My heart hurts for the loss of two of my brothers; however, I have faith that this is all a part of the plan. I truly believe that God has called them home.

I began writing about Brandon's passing two weeks ago--only writing a little each day. To celebrate Brandon's memory, his birthday (today), and his life, I post my thoughts for all to read:

It's been two weeks. It's crazy how time goes by and it feels slow and fast all at the same time. On one hand, I can't believe that it's already been two weeks; however, on another hand, every day seems so slow and monotonous. I think back to the night two weeks ago when I received the phone call. I sometimes wish I could go back to that moment when my heart wasn't broken; when I lived in bliss. It's funny--even then I had struggles, but this struggle has seemed to put all other struggles into perspective.

My memories of that night always begin with my dropping Amber off at gymnastics. I remember talking to my mom on the phone, and asking her about Brandon. She told me of Brandon having the flu, and of him staying with her for a few days. I remember asking her if he was okay, to which she affirmed that he was fine--just a little sick.

Later that evening, after I had picked Amber up from gym, and I was driving to pick Hailey up from mutual, I received a phone call from Dave.

"Can I speak to Bryan?" he asked.

"He's not here right now. Can I have him call you back?" I replied.

"No. Carrie, are you sitting down? I need to tell you something."

"Yes, I'm sitting down. Dave, what's wrong?"

"Carrie, I have to tell you that Brandon just passed away."

My mind reeled--I tried to make sense of what I had just heard, but my mind couldn't grasp the possibility of my little brother being gone. I had just talked to my mom--she had said he was okay. How could he have died? I tried denying what I was hearing. I cried while quietly saying over and over the word,  "no". I begged Dave to give me a different answer--some sort of hope, but there was nothing he could offer. He kept saying he was sorry, and asking me if I was okay. All the while I repeatedly cried "no".

Amber was sitting next to me, but I couldn't explain anything to her. She could see my emotion, and she cried too. She had no idea what was upsetting me, but she knew something serious had happened.

"Mom", she said-- "Mom, are you okay? What is wrong? What has happened? Please, mom...tell me what is wrong."

I couldn't answer. I could hear her pleading with me to tell her, but I couldn't bring myself to saying what I knew. Somehow I knew if I said what I was hearing, it would become a reality, and my heart wanted this whole conversation to be over--to be wrong--to be a bad dream.

I don't know how long I cried until I finally called Bryan. Even when I heard Bryan answer, it was difficult for me to say what I needed to say. I finally forced myself to communicate what was so upsetting to me. It was then that Amber heard, and my sadness became hers.

When Bryan arrived, he held me as I cried. I remember hearing Amber crying in the background, but for some reason I couldn't stop to offer her comfort. I kept thinking of being strong and pulling myself together for my children, but I couldn't pull my mind from my reality. While I cried, Jacob kept trying to communicate with me (Jacob had been with Bryan when I had called him). I finally turned to see what it was that Jacob needed. He said, "Mom, Brandon is not gone. He's not gone, Mom. He's not gone." I turned to my little boy all the while praying for a way to explain to him what had happened. My little Jacob has always been afraid of dying. We deal with fears related to death--ALL of the time. I don't necessarily feel that children need to know all the details of everything bad that happens, but I do believe that as his mommy, I needed to be honest with him. I kept trying to explain to him what I knew, but he kept saying, "No, mommy, you don't understand. He's not gone." I finally stopped, and affirmed what he was saying, "Jacob, we will see him again. He has died, but we will be with him again." My heart melted as Jacob said, "Mom, that is what I have been saying all along. We will see him again."

The faith of a child is a beautiful thing. For the past two weeks, Jacob has held to that faith. He hasn't waiver-ed. I truly believe that Jacob's understanding of the plan of salvation is carrying him through this difficult trial, and his example is a tender mercy to me. We are often told to "become like a little child". I think this is an example of what the scriptures mean when we are counseled to be childlike. The faith of a child is a perfect faith that believes in all that God promises.  Although I have seen moments where Jacob is sad for Brandon's passing, his faith still remains strong and sure--nothing wavering.

It is our faith that carries us through our tribulations. That night as I finally brought myself to drive home. I cried a prayer. I prayed to have the faith that I knew I needed to get through this trial. I prayed to be strong for my kids. I repeatedly asked for faith for my kids.  Even from the moment I heard of Brandon's passing, I had no doubt that I would see Brandon again. And although I have complete confidence in the Lord and the plan of salvation, the "missing" Brandon is still a painful process.

The other day Hailey and I were studying our scriptures when she turned to me, and asked, "When will this pain go away that is in my heart? I go to school, and I pretend that I am okay, but I can't get past this pain in my heart."

My heart hurt a little as I listened to her describe her difficulty with Brandon's passing. As I listened, I prayed for a way to answer. And then I said what came to mind. I explained that the pain was going to take a while to go away. It wasn't just going to happen. I said that it was okay to be sad, and that we needed to give ourselves time to mourn; however, we also needed to keep living life. The old phrase, "fake it 'till you make it" was true with this situation. I told her that everyday we needed to wake up, and keep going, and at times it would feel like we were "faking" our happiness, but over time those "faking" moments would become less and less. I told her that it was tempting for me to curl up in a ball, cover my head with a blanket, lock my doors and simply shut out life; however, I told her that we can't push out life--we have to keep moving forward with faith, trusting in God. I told her that allowing despair to overcome us, would not help us but hurt us--and our faith. When Eric died, I learned that the best way to overcome was to continue in faith, putting one foot in front of the other until I found myself on the other side of my grief. I don't think it means that we can't cry when we need to cry. Nor does it mean that we can't talk about our sadness, but I do believe that we can't live every moment of every day in complete sadness--we have to keep moving--even when it is difficult.

This is a lesson we all continue to strive to accomplish. As we put one foot in front of the other and as we pray for strength, our faith deepens, and we feel the Lord's sustaining us--even through moments of trial. My sweet Amber has had this lesson magnified in her life. Brandon's passing has created many fears for my little girl. As she struggles with these fears, she has had to rely on her faith and on our faith as she learns to choose faith over fear. She misses Brandon. She wishes he was still here. However, I think her pain extends a bit deeper. Amber was with me when I found out that Brandon had passed away. She saw all of my reactions--my crying and my praying. I have often reflected on this and have wondered if I could have or should have reacted differently, if I could have protected her a bit more. As the weeks have passed, and as she continues to struggle, I have decided that this is my part in choosing faith. I have to believe that this is part of our journey, that we will both be better for this struggle, that our faith will grow, and that this will provide us with the opportunity of becoming what the Lord wants us to become. It is through these trials that we are chiseled and molded. Faith is believing that no matter what happens is for our good. At the moment, Amber struggles with the fear that I am going to die--after all, two of my siblings have already passed away--why not another? This fear is so real to her that choosing faith is sometimes difficult. However, she is working daily at replacing her fears with faith through prayer. I have no doubt that Amber will continue choosing faith over fear, and I pray that I will continually be guided in helping her.

A few months ago I gave a talk on fear vs. faith. The words I wrote, I have continually resurfaced in my mind as I work at helping my family overcome. Here is some of what I wrote:

The second part of our scripture states, “be not afraid”. When we are fearful, we allow the world to get in the way of our ultimate goal and our faith is weakened. I think I am just beginning to understand the process of fear and faith. This past summer, I had an experience while at Roaring Springs that has broadened my understanding. 

While we were in the Lazy River, all of a sudden, a panicked lifeguard was pointing, running, and blowing on her whistle. As I turned to see what she was pointing at, I could see a lifeless toddler on the bottom of the pool. I ran to assist the drowning child. I'm not sure why I didn't let go of Jacob, so that I could better help the child—Jacob was on a tube, and completely fine, but my mind didn't register that I needed both of my hands to better assist the drowning child. Instead, I tried frantically to lift the body with my one remaining hand. When the lifeguard finally arrived, she quickly pulled the child the rest of the way out of the water. It was then that I realized the child was only a mannequin—a decoy in an effort to train the lifeguard. I walked away from the lifeguard crying silently. I kept chiding myself for being upset--all the while, grateful that it WAS a mannequin and not a real child. I think this experience was simply too close to home for me.

When I was seventeen, my brother drowned. When he died, I found myself afraid to participate in water activities. My father told me that I couldn’t allow fear to control my actions. He taught me the importance of being faithful and not fearful. He taught me that it was a choice. This experience at Roaring Springs took me back twenty years to the time when my brother was pulled out of a river, and all of those fears came rushing back. After my experience at Roaring Springs, there are two lessons I’m beginning to understand. 

First, I believe fear works against faith. When we face our fears with faith, God is near. In D&C it states, "Search diligently, pray always, and be believing and all things will work together for your good." That is what faith is all about--it is believing that no matter what happens is for our good. I may not understand everything in my life, there may be uncertainties, and most definitely there will be bad things that happen--I cannot prevent that—fearing the bad will not stop the bad from coming; however, it will work against my faith by negating my trust in God.

The second lesson I am learning is that living by faith--not fear is something I choose. When my faith is strong, I am able to face the difficulties of each new day. In these moments, I am seeking the Lord, I am praying, and I am making Him a part of my life. It is in these moments that I am full of faith. And then there are times when I allow my problems or fears to overwhelm me. I feel anxious, and worried—I forget to seek the source of my strength—(my Heavenly Father)—and I react poorly to the situations in my life. I am beginning to think that these are moments of fear.

Gregory Clark spoke at a BYU Devotional, and he said that it seems to be contradicting when we know that the Gospel is true (Gregory Clark, “Some Lessons on Faith and Fear, BYU Devotional, May 6, 2008), and yet we have to continually remind ourselves to choose faith rather than fear. He then explained with a story from the Bible.

On a boat, in a stormy sea—Jesus was awakened by his apostles:

“Master, carest thou not that we perish?” (Mark 4:38).

The Lord calmed the storm, and then asked them, “Why are ye so fearful? How is it that ye have no faith?”(Mark 4:40).

The disciples had sat at the Savior’s feet. They had witnessed the Savior’s power. The Savior was on the boat with them, and they knew that the Savior’s mission on earth was not yet complete; however, at that moment—it was difficult to see past the raging storm. Brother Clark explained this situation by saying, “their memories of His works and His words and their hope in the future reality of His promises were not, at that moment, nearly so real to them as the storm…at that moment, the only things they had perfect knowledge of were the intensity of the storm, the fragility of their boat, the depth of the water, and their distance from the shore. At that moment their mortal senses were filled with fear: They could see and hear and feel the threat of their circumstances” (Gregory Clark, “Some Lessons on Faith and Fear, BYU Devotional, May 6, 2008).

And so it is with us, we know the gospel of the Restoration is true, but what we don’t know is how or when our trials will be resolved. The Lord has promised us that He will be with us, but at times—living in the day to day moments—it is easy to be uncertain (Gregory Clark, “Some Lessons on Faith and Fear, BYU Devotional, May 6, 2008).

When President Hinckley spoke at his wife’s funeral he set an example of choosing faith over fear. He said, “It isn’t as bad as you sometimes think it is. It all works out. Don’t worry. I say that to myself every morning. It will all work out. . . . Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us. He will not forsake us. . . . If we will put our trust in Him, if we will pray to Him, if we will live worthy of His blessings, He will hear our prayers” [Gordon B. Hinckley, quoted in Latter-day Counsel, “Excerpts from Addresses of President Gordon B. Hinckley, ”Ensign, October 2000, 73; see also “Put Your Trust in God, “Ensign, February 2006, 63].

I love President Hinckley's example. I am so grateful that Heavenly Father allowed me to read this quote just a few weeks prior to Brandon's passing. Brandon's birthday is today. I miss him dearly--today maybe especially. Brandon and I were best friends as kids--we did everything together. Even as I became a teenager, and he a grade school-er--he was always at my side. I wanted him to be there. I liked having him around. As we have developed into adults, I still liked having him around, and I wish he could be around even now celebrating his birthday. If I could talk to him one last time, I would tell him how much I love him. I would tell him how proud I was to be his sister. I would tell him "thank you" for being such an awesome example. I have no doubt that he sees me and hears me even now. I have faith in God's plan, and although my heart hurts because I miss him, I choose faith.

Losing two brothers at an early age has taught me the importance of cherishing each and every moment with our loved ones. I am determined to show more love, to show more kindness, to be a little better. I thought I learned this lesson 20 years ago when Eric passed away; however, with Brandon's passing, my desire has been strengthened anew, and I am determined to somehow be even better--it will be my gift to them.

Brandon and I at our ranch house. We were always together.

Brandon, Stephanie (my cousin) and I after I went to college. Still pretty tight. Brandon is wearing a bracelet I started when Eric passed away. (I still wear mine.) It is a fishing swivel bracelet. It means to "fish for the worth of souls in men, for the worth of souls is great in the sight of God". I gave this bracelet to everyone I knew admonishing others to cherish the moments they had with their loved ones. I now feel I need something to symbolize Brandon--something perfect for him--something to help him live with me always.

This was taken just a few weeks before he passed away. Each and every day is precious. I wish I could have more days with Brandon. I remember wishing for the same sentiment with Eric. These life lessons teach me to cherish the people we love, to live each day to the fullest, and to say "I love you" a bit more often.

This picture was taken for Jacob's baptism book. Jacob was baptized this past Saturday (April 11). It was a beautiful experience. The spirit was strong. Both of my parents said that they felt Brandon's and Eric's presence as Jacob was baptized. I am so grateful for the plan of salvation, and the knowledge I have that families are forever! 

My talk at Brandon's funeral (when I gave this talk, I know that Christ's atonement carried me):

The last few days as I have reflected on my little brother, my relationship with him, and his relationships with others, and I have come to realize what it looks like to be a hero.

As I have contemplated my time with Brandon, I can’t help but think of our childhood. Brandon and I were inseparable. We did everything together. I remember him coming with me wherever I went. Even into high school, he was at my side hanging with my friends. I never thought it odd to have him at my side despite our six year gap in age. I liked him around. Perhaps we were so tight, because of his diabetes. It was always my job to watch him and to take care of him. When he was younger, this was sometimes difficult as I wasn’t always as responsible as ought to have been. I remember on one occasion when it was my responsibility to make sure Brandon had eaten after he had awakened. I was so busy cleaning the house that I forgot to check on him. I honestly believe that the Spirit prompted my memory. When I finally ran to Brandon’s side, his eyes were glazed over and he was having an insulin reaction. I remember calling to my father while shoving honey down his mouth. We worked for a long period of time trying to get some sort of response from Brandon.  While we worked, I prayed. I prayed like I never had prayed before. I was so afraid that my little brother was dying, and I felt it in my heart that it was my fault. Just before the ambulance arrived, my little brother turned to my father and told him, “They’re here to get me, dad. They’re here to get me. Do you see them? There in the corner, dad, and they are nice. I want to go with them.” I remember my dad saying, “You can’t go with them. We need you here. I’m not letting you go. Tell them to go away. You can’t go this time.” Brandon was rushed to the hospital, and awoke from a coma a few days later. I remember the joy I felt as he was allowed to stay with us this time, and I remember solidifying with my heart my role as his protector.  

When we were younger, I looked out for Brandon, but as we grew, our roles changed a bit as did the dynamic of our relationship. It was almost as if he had learned what he needed to learn, and it was his time to begin being the person he was always destined to become. While serving a mission, he often wrote in his journal his desires to do all that the Lord wanted. Page after page reflected on his desire to do all that the Lord wanted of him, and his determination to do better. On one particular day, he wrote, “I only hope that I can meet my goal of being certified, then go on to work hard, and progress to my best. I don’t care if it kills me. I want to be a missionary who everyone can say, ‘He was great!’ I want to be good friend to everyone, and be 100% obedient…to the mission rules…I’ll do my best to learn all that I can, and I know the Lord will bless me. Hopefully I will grow into someone better, and someone the Lord will be proud.”

I think Brandon accomplished his goals while on his mission, and he continued to do so after. While Brandon was serving, I had an opportunity to talk to Brandon during one of those few times he could call home. During that time in my life, I was facing a trial that was causing me great stress. It wasn't my plan to share with him my struggle; however, somehow through our conversation he pulled from me my trial. As we talked, he counseled me spiritually, he encouraged me, and he left me with his testimony. I remember hanging up from that phone call reflecting on the role reversal that had just happened. I was touched. I was strengthened.

I know that I am not the only one he touched while serving. One friend who served with him said, “As a missionary I looked to Brandon as an example. He truly loved the people he taught.” Another fellow missionary wrote that he was such a great leader and teacher. Another said that he was considered to be half the mission, because he worked so hard to do so much work.

Strengthening others and giving little thought for himself has been a theme for Brandon. This past few months I have had the special opportunity of Brandon staying in my home as he has traveled to Boise for work. My kids have loved having him in our home, and have cherished his fun, upbeat personality. On one particular evening during dinner, Brandon rescued my son, and I think Jacob will forever love Brandon for his kindness. I had placed jars of money on the table. Each child had their own jar filled with their own coins. I had decided I was going to charge them for poor manners. I was grasping at anything to help my children learn to eat with manners. Brandon couldn't believe that I was going to charge my kids for bad manners, and we joked back and forth about it throughout dinner. It was always light-hearted and funny, but it was definitely apparent that Brandon didn't think poor little Jake should be charged for chewing with his mouth opened. After dinner was over, Brandon dug into his pant pockets and pulled out a quarter for Jake. Jake was thrilled and hugged Brandon for coming to his rescue. I laughed and told Jake that Brandon wouldn't always be there to save him. That night as we were gathered for Family Home Evening, Hailey leaned over and told Brandon that she loved him. He quickly responded, “I don’t have any more money”. To which we all laughed. Even though Hailey wasn't asking for money when she expressed her love for Brandon, I am sure that if Brandon had another quarter, he would have given her that, and more. When we were kids, he wrote a poem about Disneyland, his family. The last line of the poem illustrates Brandon’s desires to go the extra mile for anyone or anything—something he strived for his entire life. The poem reads:

My Family Is Disneyland

Happy Like a Dog

My Dad Is A Pirate Ship

Strong But Full Of Jewels

My Mom Is a Indiana Jones Ride

Scary Sometimes But Fun To Be Around

My Sister Is the Little Tea Cups

Wickedly Winded Inside But Screaming With Fun

And I’m Splash Mountain Ride

Around Every Corner I’m Ready to Take a Big Jump for Anyone!

He truly was ready to take a big jump for anyone. This last week my daughter was being tested for diabetes. Brandon was so concerned about her because of all the trials he has been through with the disease. He was also concerned about her future with diabetes. Because he was so concerned he text-ed me asking me to buy an insurance plan that would protect her for her life. My husband and I felt at peace, and didn't feel we needed the plan, so we declined. The last text I received from Brandon said, “Will you allow me to buy them for you? I’m just really scared that with our families’ medical history, it will be impossible to get insurance if we don’t do kids policies now.” When I received this text, my heart was full of love for my little brother. He was truly genuine and kind, and constantly thinking of others when he—himself was ill. This text came on Tuesday. The day before he died. I feel somewhat blown away that I never realized the magnitude of his pain or his sicknesses. When he came to Boise right after a chemo treatment, he acted as if it was just another day. I had no idea that the chemo treatments were painful, or that any of his treatments were causing him pain. It wasn't until his doctor came to pay his respects that I realized the magnitude of Brandon’s pain. I was shocked as he explained that Brandon ran on half the blood that others did, that Brandon was unique because he was extremely sick, but that he didn't allow his sicknesses to define him. Rather than complaining about how he felt, he was always looking to do better, to accomplish something more, or to help someone else. The doctor explained that he was always positive, and was always willing to work hard. Brandon made an impression on a team of doctors that knew the magnitude of his pain. I suppose this is one of Brandon’s legacies. I wish I knew just how much Brandon dealt with on a daily basis—I saw him, and loved him, but I had I known—I could have been more; however, I think his not willing to dwell on his pain speaks volumes about Brandon’s character.

Brandon’s favorite scripture was D&C 122:7-8. It reads, “And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good. The Son of man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?”

After Brandon passed, a friend of Brandon’s said, “Years ago Brandon told me that this was one of his favorite scriptures. With all the health issues he has gone through, it’s little wonder why he chose that particular one. Brandon is a fighter and a humble one at that. He optimizes this scriptures and I’m sure he will continue to fight up above.”

Just before Brandon passed away, he sent me a testimony for my son’s baptism. I feel his testimony offers strength to those of us left behind. He said,

“The power of prayer is real, and Heavenly Father listens to our prayers. Sometimes in life what we feel we need is not always what Heavenly Father has in store for us. Sometimes we must go through trials so that Heavenly Father can prepare us for duties in this life and the next. As we go through trials we gain strength and understanding of the atonement. The atonement was not just for sins, but for everything we go through, such as pain, fear, and struggles we may go through in life. I know that Jesus Christ has suffered and felt everything that we may feel in our lives so that He may know how to help us, and has understanding of those struggles so He can help.”

These words have been such a blessing to me as I struggle with his passing. It is almost as if he wrote them for me, for this day. I am grateful for my knowledge of the Plan of Salvation, and my understanding that this life isn't the end.

Brandon had many near death experiences throughout his life. My dad feels that it was faith, along with priesthood blessings that kept him with us. This last time as my dad gave Brandon a priesthood blessing, he felt the Lord say “not this time”, and he knew it was Brandon’s time.

Russell M. Nelson said, “Life does not begin with birth, nor does it end with death.... Before embarking on any journey, we like to have some assurance of a round-trip ticket… We were born to die, and we die to live. (See 2 Cor. 6:9.) As seedlings of God, we barely blossom on earth; we fully flower in heaven.

He further stated, “Moreover, we can’t fully appreciate joyful reunions later without tearful separations now. The only way to take sorrow out of death is to take love out of life.”

So, what does a hero look like? It looks like Brandon’s example of love, his courage to fight despite any challenge, and his example of faith.  I love Brandon with all of my heart, I am so grateful that I have had him here to bless me, to teach me, to help me on my journey of becoming all that God wants me to become. I have no doubt that the life lessons Brandon left behind will not be lost—they will be remembered. He is a hero, and his heroism will live on, and someday we will have a joyous reunion, and oh—how sweet it will be.

Pictures of my brothers grace our home...