My fight song...

Last night when Amber found herself scared and unable to sleep, we talked for a long time about gospel principles and focusing on faith. I tried desperately to give her tools to help her focus her mind on the good and happy things of life. I told her to sing primary songs, to quickly refocus her mind when she found herself sad, and I told her that she could always use us (her parents) as a resource.

Our conversation went something like this:

"Mom, I just can't get it out of my head. I keep thinking back to the moment when you were so sad. When you kept saying "no". When you found out Brandon died. I keep thinking of that moment, and I am so sad."

"Amber, you are right that I was sad. I want you to know that it's okay to be sad when bad things happen, but I want you to think really hard back to that moment, and I want you to remember what I did after I had a moment of tears. What did I do?"

"You started to pray."

"You're right. I did start to pray. I knew that I couldn't make it through a trial of this magnitude without my Heavenly Father. Rather than focus on my sadness--could you focus on where I turned?"

It is moments like these where I struggle with my reactions, and I question how I handled my brother's death. I wish I had prayed right from the start. Sure, I started praying, but I had a moment of tears first. And it's not that I think that having a moment of tears is wrong, but my mind keeps going to the ideal--what I could have done to make this whole process better for my sweet little Amber. Maybe if I had immediately prayed, she would think of that moment rather than my sadness--I'm not sure. But, the one thing that I know without a doubt is that God is there--He hears us, and He is ready to help heal all wounds. Just like I keep trying to teach Amber to move forward with faith, I have to do the same. We both have to keep our focus on our Father in Heaven and allow Him to lift us.

The night that Brandon died I kept thinking of a song by Janice Kapp Perry called "The Test". All I wanted to do when I got home was to listen to that song over and over again. I wanted to hear the words, and embed them into my heart. I wanted to hear:

 "Didn't He say He sent us to be tested? Didn't He say the way would not be sure? But didn't He say we could live with Him forever more...if we but patiently endured? After the trial, we will be blessed. But this life is the test."

I wanted more than anything for the results of the evening to be different; however, I knew what I needed to do. I knew right then and there that I needed to have faith, and I wanted to hear a song that testified of that, so I listened over and over and over as the tears ran down my cheeks. I held my breath each time the song talked of death...

"Tell me friend, why must you die? Why must your loved ones stand with empty hearts and ask the question why? Help me know, so I can go on. How when your love and faith sustain me can the precious gift be gone? From the depth of sorrow I cry...the whisperings of the spirit still my cry. Didn't He say He sent us to be tested..."

I knew that my role was not to ask the question, "Why?" I had to have faith. I needed to choose faith.

Last night as I held Amber, she asked me about the song I had listened to when I found strength. I talked a little about the meaning behind the song, but the spirit told me that it wasn't her song for strength. As I conveyed the meaning of the song to me, and my testimony that we can endure, Bryan played another song in the background (a not so spiritual song, but a song with meaning too):

Like a small boat

On the ocean

Sending big waves

Into motion

Like how a single word

Can make a heart open

I might only have one match

But I can make an explosion

And all those things I didn't say

Wrecking balls inside my brain

I will scream them loud tonight

Can you hear my voice this time

As the song came to the chorus, I could almost see Amber smile and start pumping her fist to the beat (she didn't, but we both felt it).

This is my fight song

Take back my life song

Prove I'm alright song

My power's turned on

(Starting right now) I'll be strong

I'll play my fight song

And I don't really care if nobody else believes

'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

After the song finished, Amber asked if we could buy it, and if she could listen to it again? So we did. I told her again that we loved her, and I held her in my arms as we cried a bit more, and then we wiped away our tears, and we determined to hold our chins high as we sang, "This is my fight song..." I told her that Uncle Brandon wanted her "to fight". He wanted her to love life, and to smile. I told her that it could be her gift to him to fight because I knew without a doubt that he would want that for her... And then we were finally able to sleep.