Daily Reflections

My little brother died this week. I've been trying to find silver linings through my struggle as I am sure there are blessings from above being poured down upon my family. My anguish and sorrow is so great that it is hard for me to see past my pain. My mind is having difficulty even wrapping around my memories that I have shared with my brother. I think I am in utter shock and disbelief. I have moments of frustration, sadness, and great pain. I also have moments of peace. It is in these moments of peace that I know the Spirit is near. That I know that the silver lining is happening for me.

This week I have come to see how beautiful of a life my little brother led. He was so kind, and the desires of his heart were genuine and pure. As I have studied his journals, I have learned more about him then I ever knew while he lived. I'm not sure how I would've gained the same understanding while he was still alive, but I wish I would have.

I thought I had already learned the lessons of cherishing each moment when my brother, Eric, died. However, as I am now faced with yet another brother's passing, I feel I am relearning what it means to truly care, to truly love, to truly know that around you.

As I was contemplating this very thing, I determined to ask God to give me the spirit of understanding, to give me the love He has for his children, and to see people with spiritual eyes. I feel that I now see Brandon with spiritual eyes, and he is/was glorious. I have always loved and adored him, but my understanding wasn't what I wish it should have been.

I miss Brandon dearly. My heart is breaking. I cry at random, and then I can't cry at all because the tears have all been cried. I keep desiring a "redo", and a "if only". I wish I could reverse time and make every single minute and moment count. I wish he could feel how much I love him. How do we show people our love in the day to day moments? I try to often say the simple words of "I love you", but I think it is more. I think it is easy to get busy with the day to day happenings that we forget to take the time for the things that matter most. I want to live each moment to the fullest.

If I could see Brandon again, I would hug him fiercely. I would tell him how much I loved him. I would tell him I was proud of him. I would tell him how much I miss him. And I would tell him to build a palace for our family while he was in heaven, because we were all coming.

I can't wait for my reunion with my two brothers. I can't wait. I so want to see them again. I wonder what it was like for Brandon to be welcomed home by his older brother. I can only imagine Eric waiting for him to take his last breath, and then their pure joy as they embraced.