Writing Him on My Heart

Mothering

My Sweet Little Boy. I'll love him forever. I like him for always. As long as I am living, my baby he'll be.

Oh, My heart Melts. (Picture taken a few years ago.)

This blog is titled, "My Journey of Becoming" because I have so much to learn, to do, to grow. Some days I wish I was perfect, but if I was perfect, then I wouldn't need the Savior, and part of my "becoming" is needing my Savior. My journey of becoming has taken me down many paths. In every season of my life, I have been given lessons, and before the next lesson begins--I must learn from the previous. Right now I am in the season of motherhood. Some of the lessons I am learning are full of joy. I have never had more joy than I have had as a mother. And some of the lessons I am learning are difficult. I have never felt my heart anguish more than I have as a mother. And yet--I am grateful. I am grateful for the "lessons" my Heavenly Father seems to feel I need. He is creating my own personal "becoming" journey. My trials and "lessons" help me to grow--they help me to "become".

My little boy struggles with school. Every day we get up and we work on different techniques to help him in his learning. We spend 20 minutes in reading, we review word rules, we review sight words, and we practice flash cards. In addition to my "learning program" (especially designed by me), we are also in a paid learning program that takes at least 1 hour every day. Jacob doesn't get out of school until nearly 4 o'clock, so we do our best to accomplish most of this prior to school starting. Sometimes the effort and the stress of all our learning truly overwhelms me. I especially feel overwhelmed when Jacob seems to be having an "off" day. There are those days when his reading is barely audible, its more halting than normal, and his focus simply isn't there. In these moments, all of our many hours of work seem to be for naught. I feel frustrated. I want to persuade him through my words to pay attention and remember what we have learned; however, no matter how many times I try this technique--it fails. As I envision myself, begging him to focus or to pay attention, I shake my head at myself. What am I thinking? How is my demanding going to create the results I want? I feel myself wondering if all the hours we are working are perhaps for nothing? I feel hopeless. I wonder what more I can do... I am overwhelmed.

Today was one of those mornings. Jacob simply couldn't read this morning. All of the rules that we have studied were simply lost in oblivion--these rules were no longer present for our taking. My frustration was real. My sense of being overwhelmed threatened to overcome me. I was/am at a complete loss as to what I could/can do more? As I drove home from dropping him off at school, I hung my head and cried. I cried because I want an alternative technique to success then demanding success. I cried because I don't know what else to do. I cried because I am overwhelmed. I cried because I can hear Jacob's teachers in my mind reminding me how far behind Jacob is in his reading. I cried because I worry for him socially when he has to stay in from recess to get things done. I truly want my child to experience success--all parents desire this for their children. And so I cried.

And as I cried, I turned to prayer, and a window of hope opened before me. I don't know when Jacob and I will see the end to his struggles, but I do know that if I turn to my Savior, He will carry us through. He can help us overcome. I do know that He loves me, and He loves Jacob. I know that just as I want Jacob to succeed, so does He. I also know that sometimes these struggles are for our good. Sometimes these struggles are the very essence of our "becoming". Not only my "becoming", but also Jacob's "becoming". I quite often want to pray these struggles away, and perhaps--I will. However, before I can officially say good-bye to this trial, I must first learn the lesson my Savior wants me to learn. Before I can pray for an end there is more for us to do. Spiritually speaking--this is for our good. Temporally speaking--this is for our good. With this understanding, I have a choice. I can either choose to endure it well by seeking my Savior through the trials of the moments, or I can continue to falter by seeking my own strength.

I truly believe that we will overcome, and when we come out on the other end of this trial, we will both be better people. It is also my hope--Jake and I will become closer. However, that closeness will only come if we can both learn to endure it well through loving patience and kindness.

Counting our struggles will only make things worse. We've been counseled to "count our blessings", because it is through our blessings that we see God's hand in our life. When we choose to see the positive, our blessings outshine our struggles.

And so with an effort to count my blessings, I am going to look on the positive side of things:

I am so blessed. I love my little man with all of my heart. He is my little friend. He is my little buddy. Every day I get the chance to laugh, and it's all because of him. He makes me a better person. I cherish our moments together. Life may sometimes be a bit frustrating when we have to work so hard on our struggles, but those struggles do not compare to the love I feel for this little boy! Here's a list:

~Jacob is learning the meaning of hard work.
~I am learning the power of patience.
~Jacob and I are making progress.
~We are building a relationship.
~Heavenly Father is making us what He wants us to become.
~Hard work, Testimony, Strength of Character, Perseverance are things Jacob can be learning through this.
~If I am humble and Seeking my Savior, I can be shaped into something better too.
~We love each other.
~We are becoming quite a team.
~We have seen progress.
~We are still making progress.
~Small steps are better than no steps.
~Jacob will always know how much his mommy loves him.
~Jacob has my heart.
~Jacob is an amazing example of what it means to love.
~Life is good when we laugh through the hiccups.

I keep thinking of one of my favorite books, which reads: I'll love you forever. I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be.

Inspiring Video on Being a Mom

I love this boy with all of my heart! I may feel like it is a trial as we work through his dyslexia, but in all reality it truly is a blessing. It's hard for me to work so hard with him, and feel like we don't make a ton of progress. At the same time, I have a slight fear of creating change, because I just love him too much just the way he is. I do want him to succeed, so we will continue to work. I just hope his progress doesn't change his innocence and love for life!