March 23, 2015

IN MEMORY OF BRANDON

I think I have been avoiding this post for quite some time. The pictures have sat vacant without words for weeks. I've thought about what I could possibly say to illustrate my thoughts and feelings as I struggle with the passing of my little brother. 

To begin, I am grateful for my Savior, Jesus Christ. Because He died, I will see my brother again. Truly, there isn't a better gift in all the world. I don't think it is possible to express enough gratitude to my Savior for this gift.

The journey of healing will continue to take time...even now--two months later. We will continue to have tender days, and tender moments; however, through it all our Savior will be by our side. He--only He--can understand our sorrow, and because He understands--He carries us. 

And despite our struggles, there is also great joy! God is real. He loves me. He loves you. All things that are hard can be overcome through our Savior, Jesus Christ. My heart rejoices as I think of my God. My heart looks to Him, and I feel Him carrying me.

The Day of the Funeral:

The day of the funeral arrived, and it was a cold blustery day. The weather seemed to match our feelings as rain pelted the car on our way to the church. Immediately upon arriving I saw my in-law's, and we embraced in a much needed hug--they had traveled from Rupert to support our family on this sacred day. After embracing for a moment, I joined my siblings by Brandon's casket as we greeted a few more guests. A few times I stole glances at my kids as they waited with the rest of the family for the casket to be closed. My heart ached as I watched my middle child sob. Several relatives tried to offer comfort, but really to no avail. Her little body shook with emotion, and I had to look away. I knew that somehow I had to keep myself held together. I was speaking at Brandon's funeral, and I knew that in order to deliver a tribute worthy of my little brother, I needed to be able to hold my composure. I prayed for solace, I prayed for the Lord's peace, and I prayed for my mom.

As the viewing came to an end, we--the family--were all given a chance to offer one last good-bye to Brandon's mortal tabernacle. I ruffled his hair; I cried by his side, and then I stepped away allowing my siblings their moment. My brother-in-law, Kendall, then offered the family prayer; after which the procession began. I was humbled as I entered the chapel. There were so many people to offer respect to my little brother and his life. The people stretched from the chapel to the stage.

Roxanne and Layne spoke of Brandon prior to my speaking. During their talks, I often wondered why I hadn't gone first. My tears gently rolled down my cheeks as I listened and laughed at their memories. The real kicker came when Hailey played the piano for a musical number. As I listened the tears flowed, and I wondered about my ability to speak. As the piano finished, some unknown force helped me to the podium and allowed me the strength to speak of Brandon's heroism in this life. Throughout my talk, I could hear the quiet crying of those in attendance. However, it wasn't until I spoke of the Lord calling Brandon home through my Father's Priesthood blessing that my dad sobbed in anguish, and in that moment--it was difficult to hold my composure. I stopped and cried with my father for a moment. My sister moved to sit by my parents. Hugs were offered. Hands were extended. And I continued to speak.

When I finished my thoughts, I quietly left the stand to sit with my family. We hugged as Brandon's funeral came to a close. All of the thoughts and feelings expressed epitomized the genuine person that Brandon had become. Everyone who attended his serviced felt uplifted and carried. Many people expressed the desire to become better. Several people messaged my parents about the uplifting spirit felt at Brandon's funeral. One comment on Facebook read, "You guys gave Brandon such a beautiful tribute and made everyone want to be better after leaving his funeral. I hope it helped your parents pain to see all four of you and the people you have become." 

For me, the funeral was a chapter I wasn't ready to close. As we pulled up the grave, I wanted to freeze time--not because I wanted to live in the moment, but because I didn't want to say good-bye to Brandon's mortal tabernacle. Despite this internal battle, I also felt great joy and peace. My niece said it perfectly when she said, "Because of Him, death has no sting." The knowledge of the gospel lifted our hearts for the day. We knew that we would see him again.

Throughout the day, my siblings and I posted tributes to our brother's memory. Roxanne wrote on her post, "And then there were four." This phrase hung in all of our minds. Somehow each of us were determined to love our remaining siblings a bit more, to hold on to the family we had left, to be more of what our Savior would want us to be.

I wish with all my heart that the Lord's plan for my family was different. However, I can choose to move forward with faith, or I can choose to wallow in my self-pity. I can choose to learn from my sorrow, or I can choose to hide my face from my pain. I have the choice to grow from each and every trial. I get that choice. It was given to me as a gift when I came to this earth. I choose to live. I choose to learn. I choose to grow.

I have been told on numerous occasions that I shouldn't be sad at my brother's passing. After all, if we believe, then why should we cry? Dealing with grief doesn't demonstrate a lack of faith. I look to my parents, and I gain most of my strength from them. The passing of a second son has again found them grieving, but their faith still remains intact. They believe with all their hearts. They testify of Christ's Atonement. They choose to live each day with faith, and although this faith eases the burden of losing another son--they still feel the pain of missing him here on earth. Russell M. Nelson said, "The only way to take sorrow out of death is to take love out of life" (Russell M. Nelson, Doors of Death, April 1992). I love this statement. When we love someone with all of our hearts, it is only natural to also grieve when they pass onto their next journey. Russell M. Nelson also said, "We can't fully appreciate joyful reunions later without tearful separations now" (Russell M. Nelson, Doors of Death, April 1992).

After the Funeral:

After the family dinner, Bryan, Sheri, Michelle, Dave and I went to clean out Brandon's apartment. Slowly we sorted his clothes, and belongings into bins, so that they may be transported to my mom's house. Many things brought back memories, and we had moments of laughter along with moments of tears. Bryan picked up an old can filled with gun powder. When Brandon was 12, he lit that can on fire and suffered severe burns on his face and hands. I still remember him running to the shower and standing in cold water as he tried to cool the burn. We laughed at his ingeniousness. I picked up his scriptures and marveled as I flipped through the pages. Page after page had markings and thoughts in Brandon's writing. I felt as if he were standing by my side. Bin after bin was filled with memories, and carried out the door of his apartment. My mind found itself in auto-pilot as I sorted and carried.

When we arrived at my parent's home, we sorted and divided. Brandon's things were distributed among the family as mementos and keepsakes. My husband happened to be the same size as Brandon, so he was given a great deal of Brandon's clothing. Every time I see my husband in Brandon's new suit, I think of Brandon. I wondered if this reminder would be difficult for me; however, I am finding it a blessing rather than a hindrance. More than anything I would rather see my little brother in his clothes, but seeing Bryan in Brandon's clothes serves as a reminder to me to cherish the people in my life.

Each and every day is a blessing. Our time here on earth is not meant to last forever. We must cherish each moment with the people we love, and live each day to the fullest, because we never know which day will be our last.

Uncle Brandon had this tractor for Jake, and Grandma gave it to Jake on the day of the funeral.

Hailey played "Catelyn's Smile" at the funeral. Ever since--this song brings me solace, and I beg her to play it for me.

Jacob was a Paul Bearer

The Viewing

Prior to the viewing, I prayed for peace. I felt that there was a definite feeling of peace at my parent's home, but for me--I struggled to wrap the peace around my heart. I didn't want to refuse the love that I knew my Father in Heaven was sending. When my older brother, Eric, passed away, I had moments where I felt the Savior’s presence, and moments when I felt completely alone. Right after we found my brother’s body, my entire family felt a great peace and reassurance. We knew that a greater force was with us during that time. However, as the time drew closer for the viewing, that feeling of peace began to dissipate for me. At one point during the viewing, my father asked me to go and seek peace as I was unable to control my tears. I don’t remember where I went in the funeral home, or much about what happened surrounding my prayer, but I do remember reading in Matthew 11: 28-30. It reads, “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your soul. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” As I prayed and read the scriptures, peace began to fill my heart once again. I named this scripture my “Eric Peace Scripture”, and every time I had a moment of struggle, I would again turn to this scripture and remind myself to seek the Savior.

As Brandon's viewing neared, I thought of this experience with Eric and prayed for a similar peace. I prayed for the strength to greet people with courage and strength. I prayed to be able to feel the love of my Savior. By the time the viewing began, my prayers had been answered, and I knew that a strength greater than myself had begun carrying me. I felt a strength that I knew I did not have, and I was even able to smile and celebrate Brandon.

I am truly grateful for the Lord and the peace He offers us in times of trial. I have no doubt that He is aware of us. Elder Oaks said that “Peace comes from knowing that the Savior knows who we are and knows that we have faith in Him, love Him, and keep His commandments, even and especially amid life’s devastating trials and tragedies” (Quentin L. Cook, Personal Peace: The Reward of Righteousness, April 2013).

When the Prophet, Joseph Smith, was in Liberty Jail, the Lord said to him, “My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high” (D&C 121:7-8).

Elder Cook further states, “The Savior is the source of true peace. Even with the trials of life, because of the Savior’s Atonement and His grace, righteous living will be rewarded with personal peace. In the intimate setting of the Passover chamber, the Savior promised His Apostles that they would be blessed with the ‘Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost’ and then uttered these important words: ‘Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you.’³⁰ Then just before His Intercessory Prayer: “These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.”³¹

Eliza R. Snow penned this concept beautifully:

‘Lift up your hearts in praise to God;

Let your rejoicings never cease.

Though tribulations rage abroad,

Christ says, ‘In me ye shall have peace.’”

(Quentin L. Cook, Personal Peace: The Reward of Righteousness, April 2013).
 

I truly believe that it is through the Savior each of us will be given the strength to overcome any trial we may face. As we reach out to Him, He will be ready to carry us. We do not have to try to face our trials alone. One of the most beautiful aspects of the atonement is that the Savior understands our pains and our sorrows because He suffered for them in Gethsemane. I am grateful to my Savior that He loved me enough to allow me to be carried through His atonement.

One of my favorite songs is called Gethsemane. In the chorus it states:

Gethsemane—Jesus loves me
So He Gave this Gift To Me
In Gethsemane

In A Moment

Sometimes in life little circumstances occur that enlighten our understanding and teach us lessons. This week I've been working on organizing my pictures, and writing our family story. I noticed that my computer somehow had saved two sets of pictures. Two sets for every picture I had ever taken all the way back to 2001. I spent 5 hours organizing one set of pictures, and then when I was completely finished with my organization, I decided to delete the extra picture folder. I checked and double checked, and then pushed delete. Within seconds my picture folder was wiped clean. Not just one folder, but both folders. I hadn't realized that the picture folders were within the same folder, so rather than deleting the extra folder, I somehow deleted all of my pictures. Thankfully, my pictures were not lost forever—they were saved on my external hard drive; however, the time I had just spent into organizing my pictures was lost. In one second I was able to delete hours of work that would take me hours to rebuild. In fact, I spent the following day rebuilding my organization and ten hours later—I was still not finished.  As I thought about this scenario, I made a parallel to our lives. Many of our bad decisions in life can be done in a moment; however, the process of repenting isn't always so easy.  In 3 Nephi 18:15 it says, “Verily, verily, I say unto you, ye must watch and pray always lest ye be tempted by the devil, and be led away captive by him.” I truly believe that we are in a war with Satan. He is good at what he does. If we are not actively working at choosing the right, and seeking Heavenly Father, then I think those moments of "bad decision making" can catch us off guard. My husband has often said to my children, “Don’t trade what you want most, for what you want right now”. Our ultimate goal is eternal life; however, it is easy to lose sight of this goal in the midst of our day to day struggles. Thankfully, the Savior has died for us, and has made a way for us to return from our moments of bad decision making. The small moments, and the big moments—for we all need the Savior. We are not meant to be perfect—not yet anyway.  But each of us can choose whether or not we trade our ultimate happiness for a moment of what we think to be happiness. I have moments every day in which I need the atonement of the Savior. I am truly grateful that He has provided a way for me to repent.